Conflustered

Hm. The phone call from Doug M remains a mystery. I wish I could clue you in on what happened with that, but to be completely honest, I don't remember. No freaking clue. Either I knew at some point and forgot or if it's been a mystery for the past 13 years. It's kind of bothering me. I could probably send Doug M a message on Facebook... but #1- how creepy is that? and #2- chances are, he won't remember either.

So I am totally on Team Richard, how bout you guys? It makes me so proud of middle-school-me when middle-school-me throws the peer pressure to be popular aside and admits and expresses love for the somewhat dorky kid. Obviously I still wasn't 100% convinced that my obvious attraction to Richard should completely outweigh the desire to be popular... as evidenced by the fact that I said I'd like Doug M instead if Doug M liked me... but I was getting close. I'd say... 91%. Maybe.

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“1-13-97. Dear Yraid, Nothing happened with Doug M today. I asked 8 people what they thought after I told them what happened. 5 said he likes me. 2 said he wants to go out with me. And 1 said he was doing it for a friend. I’m so conflustered! Jaime asked Doug (S.) if Doug (M.) likes me. Doug stood there thinking for awhile & then he said no. Now, if Doug (M.) really didn’t like me, Doug (S.) would have said no real fast. So why was he thinking. Was he wondering whether he should tell Jaime the truth. Or… what? I asked a lot of people if Doug (M.) called them. They all said no. I kinda like Doug (M). I guess it really depends on if he likes me or not. I like Richard more. Richard is so cute. How can I like him? Normally, I’d think he’s a fool. But I really like him. It’s that weird force. Jaime said that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance. He said that he doesn’t know. He usually doesn’t go to dances. I NEED HIM TO GO! I really want to dance with him! I love him! He’s so cute! I love when he pushes his hair back! Oh is that cute! Oh, is he cute! I like him better when he’s serious though. I hate when he’s weird! Oh, he is so cute! God, please make Richard go to the dance! I’ll be so happy if he goes! - Sabrina I love Ricardo! I LOVE RICHARD!”

A Real Puzzler

It's kind of confusing in the entry, so let me clarify that this phone call was from Doug M who is different than the Doug I frequently crushed on.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly get any more shallow and judgmental, I come right out and admit that I'd rather go out with Doug M than Richard because "it would make me look better." Nevermind the fact that I don't think I ever mentioned being attracted to Doug M before. But hey, once he showed interest in knowing whether I was going to JAM THE GYM, I suddenly liked him.

Okay, what the heck is JAM THE GYM? I thought it meant the upcoming dance, but I looked it up and January 12, 1997 was a Sunday. The school dance would have never been on a Monday. Maybe it was some sort of pep rally? Or an important basketball game after school? Weird.

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“1-12-97. Dear Yriad, I got a new diary today. It’s cool! A little after 9:00pm I got a phone call from Doug M. Here’s how the conversation went: ME: Hello? DOUG M: Hi, is Krista home? ME: Ya, this is she. DOUG M: (nervous laughter) Um, this is Doug. ME: Hi. DOUG M: (more nervous laughter) Are you going to Jam the Gym tomorrow? ME: Ya. Why? DOUG M: (pause) Oh, I was just calling everyone I know to make sure they were going. ME: Oh, okay. DOUG M: Bye! ME: Bye! This is a real puzzler. In the background I heard someone laughing. It sounded like Aaron but I’m not sure. #1: Where did Doug get my number? #2: Was he really calling everyone? #3: Why would he call me? I don’t know him all that well. #4: Was this for his information or for someone else’s? If he likes me, I’d go out with him. He’s more popular than Richard, you know, it would make me look better. I kinda like him. Oh! This leaves me with so many questions! It’s frustrating! Like what if he does like me? If he was calling me so someone else would know if I was going- who was that someone else? Who was laughing in the background? Could it be one of Doug’s friends? What mother would let her son be at a friend’s house at 9:00pm? I need some answers here! -Krista”

Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said...

I have never heard someone talk so much shit on the person they love. I was so conflicted. I liked Richard. I wanted to like Richard. I wanted to dance and date and hold hands with Richard. But like it or not, middle school life was governed by popularity... and that's what held me back. You can tell that I wanted to date Richard and wanted to tell anyone who questioned it, "Screw popularity!" I wanted to show them the funny and smart and cute Richard I wrote about in my diary-- when I wasn't being influenced by peer pressure to rank his popularity level (apparently zero).

I feel like we've been over this before, but I bet if you had asked anyone else in the school, they would have ranked mine and Richard's popularity the same. I think I realized that but knew that dating Richard wasn't going to help my rank at all. And that's why I was frustrated by my obvious attraction to him.

Well, I'm rooting that attraction wins! Screw popularity!

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“1-11-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! I talked to Jaime today. She’s not worried about Doug liking Rachel. She knows Rachel will never go back out with him. Actually, I’m not so sure about that. Rachel has mixed feelings about Doug. I think. Jaime told me that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance many times. Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said that he usually doesn’t go to dances. But she said that he said something like, he’d only go if he was going to get to dance with me. I don’t think Jaime’s lying. I hope he goes! I really really like him. But he’s such a geek, dork, moron. Even though I know he’s a dork & he has dorky friends, some really weird force is making me like him. It’s really strange. I really love him & then I think of his popularity rank (zero). But still through it all, that force is making me like him. Ryan still likes me (I think). Jaime made a good point, all the guys who like me are dorks! Doug was making fun of me (he’s a loser). He was saying how I could only get 2 boyfriends, Craig & Richard. Then he made a good point: Craig’s gone out with just about everybody & Richard’s gone out with just about nobody. WHAT DO I DO? –Krista”

Boys Are Dogs

Man I really beat myself up over the state of Doug and Jaime's relationship. It seemed like everyone in 7th grade liked someone other than their current boyfriend or girlfriend after a few days of dating. As we've found out in previous entries, people would break up with girlfriend A in order to immediately start dating girlfriend B the next day... and this would repeat. So it should have come as no surprise that Doug liked someone else. That someone else happened to be Doug's ex-girlfriend from 6th grade, Rachel. So I suppose it's important to note that the middle school rule of revolving door dating wasn't driven necessarily by a desire for variety ("collect 'em all" girlfriends), but more so by, um, indecision? A chance to just F with girls' minds? I honestly have no clue.

But it's not that I just don't understand middle school boys. Hell, I don't really understand middle school girls either. And I certainly don't understand why I felt Doug's infidelity (if you can even call it that) warranted a giant "IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" taking up the space of 10 notebook lines.

I wonder if I was being over-dramatic to try to cover up the fact that maybe I was actually kind of happy that Doug and Jaime were possibly going to break up because I secretly still liked Doug and was jealous that he was dating my best friend. Also, maybe I was extra torn up about it because Doug STILL didn't like me. And perhaps I was upset too because I felt like even if Doug and I did date one day, he could do the same thing to me too.

I honestly have no clue and don't remember the situation very well myself. Hm.

P.S. See that little pink dude in the bottom right-hand corner of the page? You'll see him on every other page from here until the end of the diary. I drew him as one of those things that when you flip though the pages, he animates! Clever.

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“1-10-97. Dear Yraid, I am so pissed at Doug. I called him today for a conversation. Well, he was playing “I’ll Make Love To You” in the background. He was also making a rocket & gluing his fingers to a plastic bag. He said he kinda likes Rachel! Of all people! Plus he’s going out with Jaime. I started crying when I got off the phone. I’m crying now. I guess it’s because I’ve known & trusted Doug for such a long time & now he’s betrayed one of my 2 best friends. I called Jaime. We were both crying. I feel so bad for her. I just wanted to hug her. This is going to be the worst weekend for both of us! WHY? Boys are dogs. I hate Doug! I’ve trusted him. I trusted him with a very good friend. He’s broken her heart. I am very disappointed in him. It’s all my fault. If I wouldn’t have hooked them up then this would never had happened! IT’S ALL MY FAULT! I’m so sorry Jaime. You should hate me now. Please don’t hate me! I’m so sorry. I seem to do everything wrong. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. –Krista”

I Want to Vacuum

Hi friends! Oh my gosh I am so sorry it's been almost a whole MONTH since I last posted! I was on vacation in St. Maarten with my Mom, sister, and sister-in-law during the second week of March and I spent the week before that preparing and packing and the week after that recovering (although I still haven't finished unpacking). Hm.

Well anyhow, at least I'm coming back with a good entry!!

In this entry, I reveal that one of the reasons I broke up with Richard is because he used to say "hi" to me too often in the hallways at school. And my desired behavior for him would have been what exactly? If he ignored me, would I have been okay with that? Clearly I wasn't quite sure what I expected of a boyfriend. I wanted a boyfriend who liked me, but didn't like me TOO much.

Oh man... "Elephant Shoe" and "I Want to Vacuum" really take me back to the good ol' days. Do you guys remember those things? Do you remember any others or were those the only ones? "Olive Juice" had the same effect as "Elephant Shoe"... but that's all I've got.

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“1-9-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! Today was good, I guess. Why do I even like Richard?? He’s not popular (he sits with Michael at lunch) & he’s really dumb. How can I like him? Jaime thinks I should go out with him no matter how popular he is. Jaime thinks that Doug & Mark like me. She doesn’t think Doug likes her! She also pointed out that all the geeks like me! Uggh! Is she right? She also thinks that Mike likes me. She things that everyone likes me. I walked with Doug to lunch today. Again Jaime & Lianna walked in front of us. Now that’s what I call friends, huh? Doug & I are like brother & sister. We tease, we annoy, we argue, but we’re still connected & deep down (way down) there’s somewhere a feeling of love and trust. Also at lunch Travis called me from his table. He said something about my hair (I had it in a whole bunch of braids before lunch). His whole table (including Jim, Ray, & Steve) were smiling at me. Ray has never smiled at me since 5th grade. It was nice to see an old familiar face again. Ray’s somewhat cute, but not quite. I mean, I’d really like him if I knew him better. In the halls Richard always smiles at me! Cheese Luweez! That’s what my problem was when we were going out. During school I saw too much of him, he’d always say hi! Ugh. Jaime asked Richard if he’s going to the dance. He doesn’t know yet. Hopefully he is! Jaime & Lianna are sleeping over on the night of the dance. I’m gonna call Doug tomorrow. Have you ever noticed that when I talk about Doug it’s usually poetic? Strange. Sabrina. RKS. I need a new diary soon!! Mouth “Elephant Shoe” it looks like you’re saying I love you. Mouth “I want to vacuum” it looks like you’re saying I want to F_C_ you. Fill in the blanks.”