Radio Show Clip #24

Okay okay sorry... I know it's been like 5 days since the last time I posted. I don't want you guys to think I'm back in the hospital again or anything crazy! I'm fine, just busy.

I also know that I previously only posted radio show clips on Mondays... but the next diary entry is going to be major and I want to give it more time than I have now. Hint: it's about me getting in BIG trouble at school.

So without any further ado, here's the long-awaited (haha riiiiight) final part of the trip to the museum. Remember, when we left off, I had just rescued my co-host Eddie and the museum curator Christina from a hole in the ground.

I physically pulled Eddie and Christina out of a deep hole using a rope and Eddie was the one who was tired and had to go home? What a wuss.

Clearly the best part of this clip was the mid-90's music montage at the end! Gotta love that.

Radio Show Clip #23

Here's the third installment (out of four) of the trip to the museum...

Yes, my co-host Eddie and the curator fell through the floor boards of the museum. And I had to rescue them. With a rope.

Where the hell was this museum that it was built over a hole too deep to climb out of? And furthermore, could I really physically rescue someone with just a rope... or is that just something I picked up from cartoons?

Finally, I love how the curator described my co-host as "majorly muscular". In all the words in my current vocabulary, I would never think of that combination of words to describe a guy today.

Ohhh to have the imagination of a child again!

Radio Show Clip #22

Here's part two of the trip to the museum...

I don't mean to give anything away, but that may or may not have been *forshadowing* at the end of the clip. Dun dun dun!!

Radio Show Clip #21

Here's my co-host Eddie and I broadcasting *LIVE* from the museum...!

I enjoy the touching story the museum manager tells of how the museum was passed down through three generations... before her final comment reveals her true motivation. Nice.

Radio Show Clip #20

My husband... can you guess who??

Seriously, get ready for the trip to the museum. It's so intense I had to break it into four separate clips!

Radio Show Clip #19

Here's a fake interview I did with my favorite "professional radio dude"...

Martin was on "Martin & Warvel In the Morning" on Jet-102. I don't remember why I liked him so much and researching online only led me to one web page of relevance: http://erieradio.tripod.com/jet/id5.html

And from that, all I can gather is that Frank Martin was OLD. I wonder if I knew that then. He must have been older than my grandparents at the time. Well, older than my grandparents today too... but you know what I'm saying.

So that phone number I mentioned (838-9KRI) was clearly made up on the spot considering my own phone number growing up coincidentally also began with 838-9. And do you like how I yawned in the middle of giving the numbers that correspond to K-R-I to give me enough time to pick up my phone and figure them out?

The legit phone ringing was pretty impressive too, huh? Did you ever used to do that trick? All you had to do is call your own phone number and quickly put down the receiver and then the phone would ring. Magic. I don't know how we figured that out as kids or how we used it (other than making the phone ring for our fake radio shows)... but it was a pretty cool thing to do I suppose.

Too bad I fired the weather guy on air the other day... see how it all comes together like that?

Radio Show Clip #18

Here's what happens when you "accidentally" leave the mics on when your fake radio show goes on a fake coffee break...

To all professional radio DJs out there: make sure you do not make the same mistake because if so, you will most likely:

• fire your weather guy simply because he's stupid and annoying
• reveal your crush on Rider Strong, describing him as "so cute"
• learn that your co-host has the hots for 90s supermodel Claudia Schiffer.

Radio Show Clip #17

And now for the 5 o'clock news!

Wind chill is not measured in percents and I'm pretty sure 563% isn't a valid value for barometric pressure either. Wtf is barometric pressure anyhow? I just googled it and I still don't understand. Why did I even know this phrase in middle school?

I don't remember learning about barometric pressure in class but I do remember hearing it every morning during the video announcements at school. During video announcements, there was a segment where they'd recite all the weather measurements for that day and track every single tropical storm and hurricane... you know... just in case any of us living in northwest Pennsylvania cared.

Radio Show Clip #16

Omg. Please please please tell me you're already familiar with the 90's cartoon Duckman. If not, you're really going to think I lost my mind. This is absolutely ridiculous. Don't say I didn't warn you.

From Wikipedia:

The original timeslot for Duckman episodes while still being produced was changed to later at night due to complaints from parents about children seeing the adult humor-oriented show.

Adult humor? Really? All my siblings and I cared about was the grandma who never talked, only farted. Any "adult" humor was way over our heads. I honestly remember nothing else about the cartoon except the farting grandma.

I tried to find a clip featuring the farting grandma on YouTube... but get this... apparently the farting grandma must not have been the funniest part of the show. Who knew? Yup, there's a ton of Duckman clips but not one focusing on grandma-ma. Okay, I take that back. There is ONE. But in the entire history of Duckman and YouTube, it was only posted two months ago. And it's out of context and doesn't at all show how funny the character was within the show (errr... how funny I thought it was at the time). Also, it was posted by someone named guitarsk8r whose other videos are prank phone calls and guitar hero songs. Aaaaaaaand he's fifteen. Somehow, this kid managed to turn down the maturity meter even further on the farting grandma. He created a clip of grandma-ma farting for a minute and a half straight. As an adult, I no longer see the humor in it... but thirteen years ago when I created the radio show, I probably would have cracked up and set it to play on repeat.

If you must see it, here's the link to the video.

Radio Show Clip #15

If doing the voices for two different people wasn't impressive enough, here's an interview my "co-host" Eddie and I did with some random fake person named Bob.

What, exactly, was the point of that interview?

Radio Show Clip #14

Here's the first clip from KRI Radio!!

Like I mentioned last time, everyone on KRI radio was voiced by me. I really did have friends as a kid, but I also had a lot of free time too. I can't even remember what it was like during summer as a kid. Three consecutive months of zero responsibilities (other than some chores here and there). Now, when we take vacation from work as adults, there's always shit that needs to get done. Sometimes we even take vacation in order to do stuff around the house... yardwork, painting, other home maintenance. As a kid, you had to invent stuff (like fake radio shows) to occupy yourself and ward off boredom. I don't think I ever sit around nowadays like, "Man, I'm SO bored. What can I possibly do next?" There's always laundry to wash... or dishes to clean... or errands to run... or reality TV to watch... My point is: I wish I could be a kid again.

If you didn't pick up on it, the name "KRI Radio" came from the first 3 letters of my name. It had nothing to do with "crying", although that's what it sounds like from the clip. Odd association.

Radio Show Clip #13

Okay, I promise, this is the last "caller" from the bit where people called in and sang Christmas songs. Except, not to ruin it for you or anything, but this person never really got around to singing.

I guess that's what happened when I ran out of parodies and creativity!

Stay tuned because next Monday we move on to clips from a new cassette tape! It's labeled "KRI Radio" and on that fake talk radio show, I had a loser co-host named Eddie (also voiced by me, of course).

Can you imagine how crazy I must have sounded to someone standing outside my bedroom door at the time? Sounds of me talking back and forth to myself in different voices for an hour or so at a time. I'm surprised my parents weren't more concerned about my mental health. Hey, I guess it could have been worse. At least I wasn't stealing cigarettes or drinking underage or getting knocked up or doing drugs or setting fire to couches on the highway or whatever other delinquent behavior 12-year-olds do. Yup. Definitely could have been worse.

Radio Show Clip #12

Here is the third clip from the segment where "callers" sang Christmas songs on my fake radio show. Of course, it's another awful parody. What else did you expect?

Something tells me some of those lyrics got added or changed during the course of oral tradition. Do they even make sense? Did I even think about what I was singing? I was like ten... I guess I didn't care.

Oh and I hope you enjoyed that awesome impromptu key change in the middle of that clip. Yikes.

Radio Show Clip #11

This clip is from the same segment as the last clip I posted... where "callers" sang Christmas songs on my fake radio show. Hopefully, you'll remember this parody of Joy to the World from your childhood too...

I can't believe the horrible songs we used to sing in elementary school about our teachers! If that one wasn't bad enough... what about this one?

"Glory glory hallelujah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
I bopped her on the bean
With a rotten tangerine
And her teeth came marching out."

Or possibly the most graphic teacher song I remember:

"On top of Old Smokey
All covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher
With a green rubber band.

I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
I brought her some flowers
And a grenade.

I read in the paper
That she wasn't quite dead
So I bought a bazooka
And blew off her head."

How did we get away with that kind of disrespect? Do kids still sing this stuff today? Even though I wasn't a violent child and I didn't take any of it seriously, I can't imagine it'd be tolerated with all the school shootings that have occurred in recent years. I have friends that are teachers today and if some little brat said this kind of stuff about them, I'd want them in detention for life. I suppose no matter what, kids have always and will always say dumb things. But I dunno, that's a tough one.

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P.S. I used to love those Sideways Stories from Wayside School... but curiously, a quick wikipedia search revealed that there was no character named Bobby in the books. Interesting.

Radio Show Clip #10

This a segment where I offered to take callers and allow them to sing Christmas songs on the air. A surprise celebrity (voiced by me) called in but had to go before getting a chance to sing.

Isn't that the cutest image ever? Big muscley Arnold with an armful of warm fresh-scented laundry. Awww.

At this point, I guess I was no longer a fake DJ for the real Jet-FM 102... but I was a fake DJ for the fake radio station KFM (the K obviously stood for Krista). I also made up the very fake phone number: 1-800-KFM. Last I checked, phone numbers needed 10 digits... but whatever. My station was so awesome it only needed 6.

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I want to apologize for sucking at posting as regularly as I used to. Things have gotten really busy at work and my social life is just craaaaaazy lately. Haha okay, that's somewhat of an exaggeration... but I promise you, I really am posting as often as I can! :)

Radio Show Clip #9

In honor of the current NBA playoffs (go Cavs!), here's a commercial I made for Dick's Sporting Goods... where apparently basketballs are free!

For those of you who live in Erie, I'm sure you realized Dick's isn't actually on Peninsula Dr. I'm not sure why I chose that road... as an nine year old, I probably didn't know very many street names other than the ones in my neighborhood and of course, the one that led to the beach.

Radio Show Clip #8

Remember the TV show "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman"? When that show came on in 1993, I had to BEG my mom to let me stay up late to watch it. I don't remember much about the show now but I do know that I quickly fell in love with the sexy Dean Cain.

Here's an interview I did with my crush Dean Cain (who sounds suspiciously like me using a deeper voice)...

I'm glad I at least lost the annoying Maxie voice for that interview!

It's so sad that Dean Cain marrying Lois Lane from the show (which never happened in real life btw) totally ruined my chances with him. Nevermind the fact that he was a famous actor in LA and I lived in small-town Pennsylvania. Or that I was 10 years old and he was 27. He was probably having sex with supermodels and I didn't even have boobs yet. Aw.

Did you notice the part when I said "hold on a second"? I'm pretty sure at that point my mom was calling me from downstairs for dinner or something and I had to stop the tape. Ahhh the complications of recording a fake radio show in your bedroom...

Radio Show Clip #7

Join us while I play Super Mario Bros. on NES and Dawn provides color commentary...

Man, how bad did I suck? This must have been before I got my own Nintendo and went from friend's house to friend's house monopolizing their NES controller instead. I don't know why I was struggling so badly. I remember playing Mario so much that eventually it got so easy and boring that we used to challenge ourselves by lying on our backs, tilting our heads back, and playing the game upside-down.

Playing Nintendo reminds me of many things... but one of those things was the time my sister Kasey got a new puppy.

We got the little black lab mix at the Humane Society one night and my sister named him Jellybean. I thought this was an awful name because: #1- Jelly beans weren't even Kasey's favorite candy and #2- I have always hated black jelly beans. Ugh. But it was her dog and I didn't really have room to talk considering I named my cat Easy. Actually, I named my cat Daisy... but had to think quick when the vet informed me that my stray tabby was not a girl cat, but actually an already-neutered male. Whoops.

So anyhow, we got Jellybean home and that little terror ran crazy around our house, peed everywhere, and barked all night. I know, that's what puppies do... but my parents already had three young kids and my little brother was probably just out of diapers himself... this puppy put them in over their heads. And what was the straw that broke the camel's back? Jellybean chewed through the wire of one of my Nintendo controllers. Aw hells no.

So my parents "returned" Jellybean to the Humane Society the next day and bought me a new controller. Poor Kasey. How heartbreaking. It seems like stuff like that was always happening to her. Like the time my parents returned her Pow-Pow-PowerWheels when they realized it lost its charge in 15 minutes.

But when I think of NES, I still remember how my Nintendo was awesomer than a puppy.

Radio Show Clips #6

In the most boring interview in fake radio history, Maxie asks Dawn about her pets...

Ahh gotcha with the ol' "pet sister" joke!

You thought that was bad? Remember, these clips are the highlights. Be glad I'm sparing you the majority of my hours and hours of preserved unamusing mid-90's elementary school humor. Actually, most of it isn't even humor... it's just kids sitting around doing kid things with kid imaginations. Which, hearing it now as an adult-- is pretty damn boring.

Radio Show Clips #4 and #5

On this day, my fictitious Jet-FM 102 radio DJ persona Maxie took some medicine without knowing what the side effect "drowsy" meant. Some really obnoxious fake snoring ensues.


Then, a few days later, I recruited my friend Dawn to play the person who called in to the radio station to tell me the meaning of "drowsy" and in doing so, apparently won co-host for the day.


Just as I didn't always talk in the Maxie voice, Dawn didn't always giggle that much either. I think it's really cute though and infectious even. It makes me wish I would have picked a cuter and less annoying radio voice myself.