   So many great things in this entry!
First of all, I was happy and relieved to learn the "real" reason Craig broke up with me. Unfortunately, I think I interpreted it a *little* wrong. Apparently he didn't necessarily break up with me because he didn't like me... that much IS true. However, I thought he broke up with me because he could never see me outside of school. Sounds innocent enough. After all, he did say, "I couldn't see her out of school ever and that's why I dumped her." So literally, yes, it does sound that way. However, I didn't take what Mark asked into consideration. "How far did you get with Krista?" Craig's answer? "Nowhere [...], that's why I dumped her." Oops. So in fact, he actually dumped me because we could never make out or do whatever else unsupervised 13-year-olds do. Not so reassuring now, huh? Poor little naive me.
And while I didn't read far enough into Craig's answer to Mark's question, I read WAY too far into Richard's "lights are out" comment. Seriously unnecessary.
The most exciting thing of my LIFETIME was walking between two boys. Need I remind you, I didn't even have to DO anything to get the attention! And how cocky I was about it! When I read the first, "I was so cool!", I was sure I missed a letter and meant to write, "IT was so cool!" But then two sentences later, I wrote, "I was so awesome!" What are the chances I wrote it wrong twice? Oh sigh. I really have nothing else to say on the matter.
All this amazing excitement led me to conclude I was GOING TO LOVE BEING A TEENAGER! So full of hope. So wrong.--- “2-14-97. Dear Diary, I just remembered this: one day in Math (not too long ago) Mark was talking to Craig. Mark said, ‘Craig how far did you get with Krista?’ He said, ‘Nowhere. I couldn’t see her out of school ever & that’s why I dumped her.’ I felt a whole lot better about things! I thought he dumped me because he didn’t like me anymore! He’s a butt, though! On the note Richard wrote me on Tuesday the last note he’s written so far. It says, ‘lights are out!’ I had no clue to what he meant by that & still don’t. Jaime thinks that his mom came in & said, ‘Richard, hunny, it’s time for bed!’ & turned out the lights. But Monica thought that maybe he meant that the relationship is over! I sure hope that’s not what he meant because I love him! A lot! I don’t think that’s what he meant because he wrote also: P.S. WBS, I luv ya! And a heart. Plus, I’m pretty sure he still loves me! I HOPE HE CAN GO TO THE DANCE! On the way out of school yesterday Doug walked up & said something to Richard (I forget what). But then instead of walking next to Richard, he walked next to me! So I was walking in between 2 boys, one I like now & one I used to like! You should have seen it! I was so cool! I mean, attention from 2 boys when I didn’t even do anything! I was so awesome! I think I’m going to love being a teenager! -Krista AKA Sabrina.”
  "You're beautiful, you have a great personality, you're funny, and then there's that one thing about you (which I have no clue as to what it is) that makes me like you more & more every day."
Wow, what a charmer! How could someone not like a guy who gives those compliments (especially when you're an adolescent with low self-esteem)? That is seriously romantic stuff. At thirteen, where did Richard even learn to talk that way? Women would be lucky at any age to have a significant other say those kinds of things to them. I'm just glad I appreciated him at this moment instead of thinking he was annoying like I had in other entries! What a good guy. “2-10-97. Dear Diary, Today Richard gave me 2 notes! The first one was just because he was thinking of me. On it he wrote URSoCute! 2nd notes highlights: ONE WHOLE PARAGRAPH EXACTLY IS: Joanne told me that she asked you at the Otters game why you liked me. She also told me that your response was, ‘He’s really really really cute & sweet.’ So I thought that it would just be fair to tell you why I like you. I like you because you’re beautiful, you have a great personality, you’re funny, and then there’s that one thing about you (which I have no clue as to what it is) that makes me like you more & more every day. Today I didn’t find Richard annoying one bit. I found him sweet! I knew our relationship was going to get better! On the way out of school, Mike gave Richard a note. Richard was reading it & he let me read it too. I was leaning on him so I could see the note too! We were so close! I really love him! Mrs. Decker & Mr. Jones know we’re going out. They’re butts! Mrs. Decker said we make a ‘very nice couple’! NOW WHAT DO I GET HIM FOR V-DAY??? HELP! -Krista P.S. Craig got his seat changed again! Bummer!”
   I was a terrible person. I can't believe we ganged up on Craig for only having five shirts and one pair of shoes. That's really sad! I still feel bad about it. Well, look on the bright side... at least he had one shirt for every day? I shouldn't have been one to talk though, I was guilty of plenty of fashion offenses in middle school too.
Here are some I can think of right now (1 for every shirt Craig owned)...
- In 6th grade, I only had one pair of jeans which were too short on me because I was going through a growth spurt. It was the first time I had ever heard anyone ask, "You waitin' for a flood??"
- In 7th grade, I reeked of gasoline for a few months because I stepped in a puddle at the gas station wearing my only pair of brown shoes.
- Inside-out sweatshirts.
- Scrunchies on my wrist all day, coordinated with my outfit, but never intended to be worn in my hair because I wasn't good at putting my hair in a ponytail. Also, scrunchies period.
- Brassy orange hair from learning the hard way that using Sun-In on dark brown hair does not make it beautiful beach blonde.
There's plenty more... but that's enough for now. Goodnight!
---
“2-5-97. Dear Diary, Today I was walking into school alone & Craig walked up beside me! He started a conversation! WOW! Then in homeroom Jaime started teasing Craig about how he wears the same shirts every day (Jaime & I started doing that awhile ago. He only has 2 brown, a Metallica, a gray one, & a denim one). So then I started teasing him too & then Mark got into it. Mark started saying that he wears the same shoes every day. Then Craig looked like he could cry! I felt so bad! I think we hurt his feelings! I’ll never tease him about that again! Then in Science I got a question on a work sheet a long time ago & he was stuck on it. I told him the answer & he admitted I was right. Then I said, ‘Craig, say I’m smart. Make me feel good!” Then he said, ‘Krista, you’re the smartest person I know. You are so smart! I am so stupid!’ I never thought I’d get that out of him! Today Richard gave me a note! I can’t write the highlights in here because I need to do my homework! Krista Hi! It’s the same day as last, just later. I felt I needed to add something. Okay, I’m not sure what I should do about Richard. When I’m not around him, I’m crazy about him! I just love him! But when I’m next to him talking or something I usually find him really annoying & I hate it! I don’t think I’m gonna dump him because I know I still like him a lot- when I’m not around him! What do I do? HELP ME! I love Richard! For now…”
   Back then, I thought Richard was annoying because he gave me too much attention and said he loved me too much. Sounds weird and backwards because shouldn't someone want love and attention in a relationship?Obviously the answer is yes... but that love usually grows over a period of months and years. In this case, Richard and I had only been dating for two weeks... and the "I love you"s started almost immediately. Even though I never said it and I'm not sure I even actually realized it, I think the real problem was that we just didn't have anything in common. Or rather, that we didn't even know if we had anything in common because we never took the time to find out! One day we were classmates, the next day we were going out and saying "I love you." We didn't know any better. We just thought that's what people in relationships do. Any time we talked or wrote notes to each other... it was nothing of substance. "What's your cat's name?" "What's your favorite radio station?" Let's be honest, we didn't even spend that much time together. I don't think we talked on the phone much and when we saw each other in school, it was during class, so we didn't really hang out. We quickly passed notes in the hallway and that was about the extent of our communication.I think what I was realizing, but didn't know I was realizing, was that there was no way we could actually love each other and the whole thing just felt like an act. I was too immature to confront it... so instead I just complained about it and called him annoying. Let's see how much longer this lasts...
---
“2-4-97. Dear Diary, Joanne told me that her brother is always talking about me. She says he’s obsessing over me. Before SWEP, Doug & I were standing outside the door. We were reading my note from Richard. Because we were both looking at it, we were standing shoulder to shoulder. Then after SWEP we were walking together to our next class. Again shoulder to shoulder! (Sorry Richard) We’re just friends. But like I’ve said before, I can very well see me & Doug going out in a few years. In Science I asked Craig if I could wear his hat (it was a Cat in the Hat type hat, it was Hat Day). He did that kind of moan that he did when I asked him out at one of the dances. I begged. And he let me! He let me wear it all through Math too! We’re friends. Back to the subject of Richard. Here’s the notes highlights: (Monica has this book & in it, it has a part titled ‘Stereotypes for Common Names.’ My name wasn’t in it. But Richard’s was. His name is stereotyped as ‘very good looking.’ I told him that.) A whole paragraph from his note was: About that stereotyped names thing. I think your name should be in that section of the book. And stereotyped as ‘Very beautiful & #1 on any Good Looking System that anyone made up.’ Because you are beautiful and very good looking. He also wrote Love you very MUCH!! Excuse me but he’s getting a little to into it. He’s really pissing me off! Why does he have to say he loves me every day? I don’t understand! I wish he could just write normal notes! HELP ME! -Krista I think I love Richard”
   "I think this next relationship with Richard is just the start of more award-winning boyfriends in my future."I love it. As much as I LOVED Richard and even went so far as to allude to him being my 'husband', middle school relationships were so disposable that I knew no matter how much I was crushing on Richard at that moment, it would have been unrealistic to expect him to be the person I'd be with for the rest of my life. Maybe just for the rest of that week, month, or school year-- until a newer, better crush came along. After all, Richard did only make me feel dreamy "most of the time." Certainly there'd be a boy out there that made me feel "dreamy" 100% of the time. But "award-winning"?... hahaha.
This stuff with Doug is just ridiculous. It annoys me that that I seriously thought that sharing a pop meant more than just sharing a pop. Sad thing is, I knew girls in college who still thought that way. So annoying. "Andy asked to borrow my Sociology book tonight because he didn't buy it... he was totally flirting with me!!" "I was in the pasta line in the cafeteria and Paul reached around me to get the asiago and said 'Excuse me'!... do you think he likes me!?" Ugh. Zero tolerance for that crap. Unfortunately, in middle school, I WAS that crap.
And I had a terrible sense of humor when it came to "dick" jokes... if you can even call it that. Just immature all around, really. I want to slap my middle-school self and say "grow up!"---
“ALSO 1-18-97. Hello again Yraid, Thinking of Friday night gives me the chills. It was so perfect! When Richard asked me out, most of my friends were around me. They kept saying in my ear, “Say yes!” Maybe I should’ve. Oh well. I have to wait until Tuesday. Oh!! I can still feel his hands on my waist. I wish I could relive last night! I’d do everything the same. I just want Richard again. I LOVE RICHARD! I keep having so many flashbacks of the dance. It was just too wonderful. I loved it! I’m most likely going to say yes to Richard. I know for a fact that he likes me. I wasn’t quite sure Craig liked me at all. I think this next relationship with Richard is just the start of more award-winning boyfriends in my future. I feel so dreamy! That’s how Richard makes me feel, most of the time. At the dance, Jaime & I were sitting drinking pop at a table. Doug & Danny sat down. I had already drank out of my pop can & Doug asked me if he could have a sip. I let him. After he drank a little he gave the can to me & I took a sip. That’s how good of friends we are. We’re like brother & sister totally. So, that would make me Jaime’s sister-in-law in a round-about way. Cool! Now we’re one big happy family. With a soon-to-be new person. My ‘husband’ Dick, that’s sick, I meant to say Richard. We’ll I’ve gotta go dream about Richard! -Krista I LOVE RICHARD!”
  I have never heard someone talk so much shit on the person they love. I was so conflicted. I liked Richard. I wanted to like Richard. I wanted to dance and date and hold hands with Richard. But like it or not, middle school life was governed by popularity... and that's what held me back. You can tell that I wanted to date Richard and wanted to tell anyone who questioned it, "Screw popularity!" I wanted to show them the funny and smart and cute Richard I wrote about in my diary-- when I wasn't being influenced by peer pressure to rank his popularity level (apparently zero).
I feel like we've been over this before, but I bet if you had asked anyone else in the school, they would have ranked mine and Richard's popularity the same. I think I realized that but knew that dating Richard wasn't going to help my rank at all. And that's why I was frustrated by my obvious attraction to him.
Well, I'm rooting that attraction wins! Screw popularity!
---
“1-11-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! I talked to Jaime today. She’s not worried about Doug liking Rachel. She knows Rachel will never go back out with him. Actually, I’m not so sure about that. Rachel has mixed feelings about Doug. I think. Jaime told me that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance many times. Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said that he usually doesn’t go to dances. But she said that he said something like, he’d only go if he was going to get to dance with me. I don’t think Jaime’s lying. I hope he goes! I really really like him. But he’s such a geek, dork, moron. Even though I know he’s a dork & he has dorky friends, some really weird force is making me like him. It’s really strange. I really love him & then I think of his popularity rank (zero). But still through it all, that force is making me like him. Ryan still likes me (I think). Jaime made a good point, all the guys who like me are dorks! Doug was making fun of me (he’s a loser). He was saying how I could only get 2 boyfriends, Craig & Richard. Then he made a good point: Craig’s gone out with just about everybody & Richard’s gone out with just about nobody. WHAT DO I DO? –Krista”
Before you read this, I should remind you that Michael is my little brother. He would have been 7 years old at the time.   First imagine how cute it is that my little 7-year-old brother bought me earrings for Christmas. They weren't anything fancy, just red rhinestone studs he probably bought for a couple dollars at the elementary school's "Holiday Bazaar"... but still, very cute and thoughtful.
Then I remember my family was driving around looking at Christmas lights one night and I was twirling around the earring my brother bought me in my ear... and that's when I realized... no boy had ever bought me jewelry (or really, a present at all) except for my brother. I'm sure at that age, lots of other girls were in the same boat as me, but I had a few friends who got presents from boyfriends and I felt left out. It was kind of a weird connection to make, but it really bothered me that day and I felt very lonely.
I'm surprised at how accurately I remembered the way I felt about the Toni Braxton (and similar) CDs when I told the story in this post.
I wonder if I'll find a Price Charming in time for the next school dance!
---
“12-26-96. Dear Yraid, ‘Twas the night after Christmas… IT IS! I have strep throat! Fun, fun, fun! I felt so sick & I wuz contagious on Christmas Eve that I couldn’t join in the family exchanges. I had to stay home. But I still go the gifts. I got cool stuff. Then Christmas came. Strangely, it didn’t see much like Christmas at all! I got some really nice stuff. Our whole family got Nintendo 64! Cool! It’s awesome! Jaime & I have been talking on the phone a lot over vacation. We always greet each other by saying, “Hello Daaahling!” It’s funny. She’s going to Pittsburgh until like the 30th soon. Boo-hoo! Poor me! I wrote her a few notes over vacation Y she wrote me one. Michael got me earrings for Christmas. Sadly, my first piece of jewelry from a boy. That’s when I noticed how lonely I am without Richard, without Craig, without… anyone! I don’t like Richard & Craig anymore, it’s just I wish I had someone there who really loved me other than my family. Because I don’t like anyone, I’m preparing to be lonely for a long time. I’m waiting for someone real special to come along- hopefully soon. I know my Price Charming is out there somewhere! Hopefully the Prince will come soon cuz there’s a dance coming up & I don’t wanna be lonely then! For Christmas, I got Toni Braxton & Celine Dion CDs. They both have sad songs on them like, “I’m Everything I Am Because You Loved Me” & “Unbreak my Heart”. I know I have no reason to cry during those songs, but sometimes I do anyhow. I can’t help it. They’re full of memories like Craig. And then I think of how lonely I am now. Gee, I wish I had someone! -Krista P.S. I’ll write back soon! I heart no one cuz no one hearts me.”
 
Figures. I got a boyfriend who was cute and funny and instead of being happy, I found reasons not to like him. So I was probably his first girlfriend... so what? That cracks me up. I acted like my two week relationship with Craig was legitimate dating experience. I had experience, Richard did not.
Popularity was huge in middle school even though I don't think any of us could have actually defined "popular" or explained how people became popular. Looking back on it, I guess a lot of them played sports and/or had older siblings. Older siblings could teach them about clothes and makeup and flirting and dating and kissing... things I knew nothing about. Also, I guess the popular kids had no other defining traits except the two I already mentioned. They weren't especially into music or theater or video games or school in general. And since they couldn't be classified into any other group, I guess that left them as "popular".
So even though I certainly wasn't popular, I still judged Richard's popularity. Which is weird because I don't remember judging Craig's... and he wasn't terribly popular either. But I'm glad that even though Richard wasn't popular, I still dated him and saw him for all his good qualities and hoped that everyone would see him the way I did too. For all I know, he was thinking the same thing about me.---
“12-16-96. Dear Yraid, Finally a school day! Every time Richard & I saw each other, we said hi & smiled. At the end of the day, he asked me if I wanted him to sit w/ me at lunch tomorrow. I said sure. I thought of dumping him. I’m not as comfortable around him as I wuz around Craig. I’m pretty sure I’m his 1st girlfriend. But that could be good cuz he’ll remember me forever. A lot of people are making fun of me. That’s why I don’t want many people to know. I’m kinda embarrassed. Hopefully it’ll turn out good & everyone will start to respect him more. He’s not very popular. But he’s cute & funny so I don’t see why not. Well I’ve gotta go! -Krista P.S. Jaime said Doug told Richard to call me tonite & Doug gave him my #. Richard never called me! Craig & I are really good friends now! I heart Richard! I guess. I almost need a new diary!”
Here's the story of how Richard became my second boyfriend...   I was such a hypocrite. I was worried that my boyfriend was only going out with me because he was desperate. And yet, in previous diary entries, I said multiple times about multiple boys, "I guess I'll go out with him if he wants to go out with me." I was pretty much the queen of desperate even though there's no way I would have admitted it at the time. Actually, I probably didn't believe that I was desperate since I did have some standards-- there was a good 10-15% of boys at the school who I wouldn't date.
I was so sad that I wouldn't see Richard until Monday, but get this, we lived in the same neighborhood. His house was only about a half mile away from mine. Although, in my former self's defense, no one wants to walk half a mile in Erie during December when there's guaranteed to be at least a foot of snow on the ground!
---
“12-14-96. Dear Yraid, Here’s how it all happened- I told Jaime that she could ask him if he’d go out with me if she wanted to. So she did on the bus & he said ‘probably’. Then Doug asked him on the bus & he said ‘yes’. Doug told Jaime & Meghan & they called me to tell me when they got home from school. At first I didn’t believe them, but then I was convinced! I was so happy. Then when I went over to Jaime’s around 5:30 I called him. All we did is say hi & then complete silence. So I said that I had to go & we hung up. I got so depressed because he didn’t talk to me. Then from where Jaime & I were babysitting Jaime called Richard. She told him how I thought he didn’t like me. Jaime said that he said that he does like me & he’s sorry, he just didn’t know what to say. So then I was kinda happy. But then I started to think that maybe he’s just desperate & he’d go out with anyone. Then I was sad. My life is so confused right now. Maybe he’s just phone shy. I hope he likes me. I’m not calling him again unless he tells me to. I hope Monday will be good. Too bad I can’t see him till then. But think, at least I’m over Craig. I heart RICHARD! -Krista”
  In case you didn't have them at your middle school, Candygrams were notes, presumably with candy (although I don't remember what kind), that you'd send to your classmates at school through the Student Council or something. You could buy them at lunch and they'd be delivered to the recipients in their homeroom later that week. Of course, the popular and pretty girls always had desks full of candygrams from all their secret admirers. But I'd be lucky to even get one. And when I did, it was usually from a BFF who I had made an agreement with that we'd send each other Candygrams so wouldn't look like total losers. I think they were like 50 cents each and I assume the proceeds went to charity, but again, that's another detail I don't recall. Around Valentine's Day, they did a similar sale but with carnations, the most romantic flower in the world.
---
"12-12-96. Dear Yraid, So I do like Richard. But it is a weird feeling. I like him but I'm not sure if I would want to go out with him though. I mean he’s really cute. But he can be really strange- but so am I. I don’t like it when he wears his glasses though. I kinda want to go out with him. Oh well! I don’t think Jaime’s going to dump Doug now. She sent him a Candy Gram that said “I Heart You!” in it. Doug sent her one that said “Love ya!” He does hang around with Teri a little too much. I wish I had someone who loved me as much as Doug loves Jaime. As much as Craig USED TO like me. I wish someone would just love & respect me like Craig… or… Richard. Maybe Richard, maybe. Well, I’ll see ya. Krista. P.S. I think Richard is helping me get over Craig. I mean not Richard, literally. It’s because I’m starting to like Richard, therefore, I’m getting over Craig! I only cry a little when I hear a sad song now! GO ME! I LIKE RICHARD! I ALMOST STILL LOVE CRAIG!”
  I know rarely (if ever) fill you in on what the people in my entries are doing today... I suppose it's because I don't want to spoil any surprises... but this one I just can't keep to myself. I mentioned in the entry above that Dawn (the same Dawn who used to do radio shows with me) dumped Doug M. Well holy shit, would you believe that now, over thirteen years later, they're married?!? How often does that happen? It's not like they've been together for thirteen years, they had both seen other people in the meantime, but really, how cute is that? Middle school sweethearts ended up back together. Awww.
Hope that doesn't make you any less interested in the intriguing new storyline of Jaime trying to convince me to go out with Doug M... and sort-of half-succeeding... maybe? I mean, I *guess* I'd go out with him, if he'd go out with me. But I only like him when I'm thinking about him. lol...
---
“12-5-96. Dear Yraid, Today is my B-Day! Today in Math, the student teacher wanted the class to sing Happy Birthday to me, Sarah, & Narayan (today is all our bday). No one really wanted to sing but Craig stood up & Said, “I’ll lead!” And he did! He sung so loud it made me feel really special even though he didn’t’ do it only for me. Also during the middle of our test in Math, we both were thinking & looking out into space. Only we were looking at each other! We stayed like that for like a minute & then at the same time we figured out the problem we were stuck on. Dawn dumped Doug M. Now Jaime wants me to go out with him. I don’t know! I kinda want to go out with him but I’m not sure. I guess if he says yes I will. When I’m thinking about him, I like him more. But when I’m thinking about Craig, I like Craig more. Maybe I’ll tell Jaime maybe I’ll go out with him. See ya! Tell ya what happened with Doug M tomorrow. –Krista”
   It's funny how scared I was that I was going to get detention over writing the word "hell". If Mrs. Sam did read the notebook, I'm sure she didn't even blink when seeing the word. Maybe it'd be alarming if I wrote the F-word in every other sentence, but "hell"? Big deal.
I was so mad at Mrs. Sam at the time for taking the notebook, but you know what? If I were a teacher I would love to read kids' notes. Man, a whole notebook would be like the holy grail. I'm sure the notes weren't even interesting... probably stuff like, "Do you think Craig still likes me?" "I heard that Dave and Emily are going out." "I'm wearing new socks today." "Did you watch TGIF last week?" etc. So middle school notes are probably pretty lame but I'd still want to read my hypothetical students' notes if I could confiscate them! I enjoy prying into other people's business. That's why most of the books I read today are memoirs and most of the TV I watch is reality (a matter of fact, as I type this, I have "Intervention" on in the background).
I laughed at Craig's F-turned-A but instead I probably should have been re-evaluating... did I really want to date a boy who got Fs? I don't think I had anything in common with Craig. How long would it take me to realize that?
---
“12-3-96. Dear Yraid, Rachel & I started writing to each other in a notebook. I would write a note in there to her, give her the whole notebook, & she’d write back. Well, she was writing me back in SWEP. Mrs. Sam took it away from her. At the end of class, Rachel asked for it back. This is how Rachel told me the conversation went: Mrs. Sam: What is this? Rachel: Krista & I write notes to each other in it. Mrs.Sam: I’ll be keeping this for awhile. I’ll talk to you two later. The worst part is she read the entire thing. And in one part I wrote, “Who the hell is Jack?” I can’t get in trouble for that. One little word & I wasn’t the one caught writing in it. If I get in trouble, I’ll be really mad. I shouldn’t get in trouble. Craig treated me as a friend today. I want more, I want him back. He showed me his Science test & said, “Look Krista, I got an A!” What he really did is this: took his F & changed it, like so: A. He definitely likes me as a friend. Great! No, really, it sucks! Today, Doug walked past me & said, “Look it’s Bob. No actually, it’s Bob’s ex-girlfriend!” See Jaime & I used to call Craig “Bob”. That really dug deep into my heart when Doug said that. I guess I never realized I was a girlfriend. That makes me more sad. Doug gave me his school picture. We’re friends & I like that. Hopefully it’ll stay that way. I don’t even want to go out with him really ever because I’m afraid it would hurt our friendship. -Krista.”
  Did you understand what I meant or do you still feel ashamed? haha.
So I had just got done saying that it's more fun NOT going out with the person you like and then I made a wish on my birthday candles that Craig would go back out with me. To answer my own question from the entry... Yes, it is surprising because it makes no sense.
Let's hope the next entry is happier... this is getting depressing.
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“12-1-96 Dear Yraid, Hello! Today was my family birthday party. I got a lot of nice stuff. I love everything I got. I’m liking Craig more & more every day now. There’s one thing that confuses me: It’s funny. I can’t really put it into words. Well it’s like when you’re going out with who you like it’s like you’ve got it. But then when you’re not going out with who you like it’s a whole different feeling. You probably don’t’ understand but in a sense, it’s more fun not going out with who you like. Are you lost? Cause if you are, don’t feel ashamed. What I just said was very hard for me to put into words and when I did, it didn’t come out right. When I hear someone say the name ‘Craig’, I suddenly become more alert. You might not believe this- but it’s true: When I made a wish before I blew out my candles tonite, I wished that Craig would go back out with me. Is that surprising or what? Am I obsessing? I don’t’ think so. But geez, I love everything about him- his eyes, his smile, his laugh, his voice, even the way he smells! My gosh! I really do like him. I miss him and want him back. Well, I must go cry myself to sleep like I do every night. Batman.”
Oooh somebody discovered the thesaurus and dictionary... The quoted song in this entry is "Without You" by Mariah Carey. You can re-live it here.
I used LOVE Mariah Carey. I remember pacing back and forth along the wooden floor of my grandma's spare bedroom, jamming to Mariah's "Music Box" tape on my Walkman and singing along. I must have sounded like an idiot.
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“11-30-96 Dear Yraid, Mournful-feeling or expressing sadness. Dejected-low spirited. Depressed-affected with emotional depression. That’s all how I feel now, without Craig. WHAT DID I DO? I DON’T DESERVE THIS! IS HOULDN’T BE GOING THROUGH THIS PAIN! BUT THAT’S LIFE, DAMN LIFE. “I can’t live- if living is without you. I can’t live- I can’t give anymore.” Well, I have to go to sleep. No, actually go cry- like I do every night before I go to bed. CAN’T THE SORROW END? -Batman”
Happy Holidays everyone!    I instantly recognized the first song as "Unbreak My Heart" by Toni Braxton. For Christmas that year (1996), I asked for Toni Braxton's and Keith Sweat's CDs because I loved the songs "Unbreak My Heart" and "Nobody". I loved them because they reminded me of Craig and Doug and Mike and all the other boys that didn't like me... or pretended they liked me just to shut me up and then dumped me after a two week limit. After I got those CDs for Christmas, I'd put the songs on repeat and bawl my eyes out thinking about how lonely and heartbroken and loveless I was. I soon grew to hate Toni Braxton and Keith Sweat. Why did I want those stupid CDs just to torture and depress myself?
A few years later, I tried to get rid of the CDs by selling them to a CD/Game Exchange store and the jerks wouldn't take them. Ugh. I think I may still have them somewhere back home. Who wants them?? Any takers? Word of warning: they will not help you recover from a recent breakup, they will only make you feel worse.
HOLD UP-- Apparently I never really listened to the lyrics of "Nobody" by Keith Sweat. Certainly Santa didn't preview this CD before giving it to a 13-year-old...
And who can love you like me
Who can sex you like me
Who can treat you like me now, baby
Nobody, baby
And who can do it like me
And who can give you what you need
Who can do you all night long
Nobody, baby What in the WORLD? Who knew? To little 7th grade me, the message of this song was simply "I'm the best person for you and we belong together." The sexual stuff was wayyy over my head. Weird.
Anyhow, I didn't recognize the lyrics of the second song. Turns out it's "I Can't Sleep Baby (If I)" by R Kelly. I listened to it and honestly, I don't remember it. Maybe if I would have asked for the R Kelly CD instead of the Keith Sweat CD, it would be a different story. As a side note, who would have thought that the sensitive and respectful-looking man in the "I Can't Sleep Baby" video would go on to create such musical gems as the "Trapped in the Closet" series and "Sex in the Kitchen"... oh not to mention that whole child porn thing...
Here are some links in case you want to go back in time and re-live those classic 90s songs...
Toni Braxton
Keith Sweat
R Kelly
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“11-29-96 Dear Yraid, Hello. Thanksgiving was great. Really good food. We ate at Nana’s. Today I went to see “Jingle All the Way” with Lianna, Seth, Abri, & Mike. That was a good movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger was great in that movie. Mom I sick. She has a migraine & she’s throwing up. They (Mom & Dad) went to the hospital this morning. The doctor gave her some shots & she’s been sleeping all day. She says she’s feeling better- I hope that’s true. Even though Craig & I broke up (& we only went out for 2 weeks) I still really like him. So maybe I’m a little bit mad at him for dumping me, but I don’t hate him. I only want him back. I really love him. He means everything to me. I still have his picture in the heart frame by my bed. I’ve cried every night since. Just to think about how he cared & acted like he loved me the very day before- before he dumped me. Remember how he gave me that Hershey Kiss, that Hershey KISS. I wish I wouldn’t have lost it. “Unbreak my heart, say you love me again. Undo this hurt you caused when you walked out the door, walked out of my life. Uncry these tears. I’ve cried so many nights. Unbreak my heart.” Why did that perfect life have to end? And he thinks I don’t care. I don’t have feelings for him anymore. Well, I do. I do. Who could get over him? “I can’t sleep, baby. I can’t think, baby. I can’t live baby without you in my life. Don’t wanna go on baby. This is my soul baby. Don’t wanna do anything without you.” Those songs are so true. I can barely listen to the radio anymore because most of the songs I can somehow relate to me & Craig & then I start to cry. I start to cry like I’m crying now. I wish I could turn back time – Batman. Don’t ask. If you want to know, ask one of my friends.”
 Before I start, there's probably two things you're wondering about. First of all, I used to write the names of all the guys I liked in the back of my diary... so that's what I meant when I said I didn't like Richard "enough to write his name in the back". Secondly, I guess I went through a phase when I called myself "Batman". Yes, I had moved on from Supergirl to Batman. I don't understand or remember why.
Okay, now that that's out of the way...
I'll leave Craig something in my will??? Where did that come from? What does that even mean? I like him, I want him back... so I'll leave him something in my will. That will SURELY win him over... once I'm dead. WTF?
And then Mike and Kara started dating and I gave up on Mike just like that. I guess I must not have liked him that much after all. Well, clearly, considering my only basis for liking him was that he was nice to me at the dance.
I first met Richard in 4th grade when my math teacher introduced him to the class. As the new kid, he was a big deal because he had just moved from Australia which meant two things:
- Since Australia's seasons are opposite ours, he was on summer break from school back in Australia but when he moved here, had to start up classes right away, cutting his vacation short. Bummer.
- He had a cool accent. Which was super rare in our town. That is, unless you count the kid in 7th grade that my friend Jaime said had a cute accent, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that really, he just had a speech impediment and couldn't say his r's.
Anyhow, when Richard was introduced to us in 4th grade, show-and-tell-style, my friend Stephanie whispered to me, "Ohmygosh, his accent is soooo sexy." I was like, "Um, yeah. It sure is!" Yeah right, I was 10 years old, I didn't know what the hell "sexy" was. Nothing was "sexy" to me. I couldn't have described "sexy" at that age if you would have asked me to. But I just played along because I figured if she used that word, she must have known what she was talking about.
Three years later, even though Richard's Australian accent was long gone, I was starting to see the attraction. I still wouldn't have used the word "sexy", but instead "slightly cute and funny".
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“11-27-96 Dear Yraid, The day after I wrote this entry I couldn’t ask Mike out. Why? Because he asked Kara out. They’ve been going out since then. I don’t like Mike anymore. I still love Craig. I want him back. I need him back. I’ll leave him something in my will. Okay? Anyhow, I want to ask him out again but I don’t want to beg. We’ve been pretty good friends since the breakup. I HEART CRAIG! I kinda like Richard. He’s slightly cute & he’s funny. I don’t like him enough to write his name in the back. He might be too weird for me though. I noticed today that his first and last initials are the same as Riders! Maybe we’re destined for each other! -Batman”
   Last time, my life was "so confused" and now it's "so deformed." Haha what interesting words to describe LIFE.
So let's get this straight:- Even though Mike is really immature and dating him could hurt my 'rep', now I like him... mostly because he offered to dance with me when I cried over Craig.
- But Kara likes Mike too... and he danced with her to stop her from crying too.
- AND Mike is currently going out with Rachel but is breaking up with her soon.
Where the hell was Rachel during all of this???
Poor Ryan. He liked me so much and I was so mean to him. I was far meaner to him than Doug or any of my other crushes were to me. It probably took him half the dance just to get the courage to ask me and then when he did, I always turned him down. One time when he nervously asked me to dance, I ran away, arms flailing, claiming I was a lesbian. Back then, homosexuality was a new and mostly foreign concept to me... "No! I'm a lesbian!" was about as reasonable of an excuse as "No! I'm a Jehovah's Witness!" or "No! I have Restless Leg Syndrome!" (meaning I could somehow tie my minimal knowledge on any of these things to a reason why I couldn't dance with a guy).
I wonder if I ever wrote him that note. I wonder if he ever knew how bad I felt afterward or how guilty I still feel to this day. I'm glad I'm not as big of a bitch anymore. At least I don't think I am?
Of course, I can't end this entry without calling attention to my "really depressful weekend" comment. Haha.
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“11-23-96 Dear Yraid, My birthday party wuz fun but I’ll tell you about that later. DANCE. Worst dance in history! I cried over Craig when ‘I Swear’ came on. Then Mike asked me what was wrong. I said nothing but then he wanted to dance with me (so I’d feel better) before I could say yes, the song was over. Then Kara was crying. Kara likes Mike & Mike danced with her so she wouldn’t cry. Mike was hanging around me for the rest of the dance. He was showing off for me! Does he like me? Well, at that moment, I realized I like Mike. He’s dumping Rachel. I want to go out with Mike! I really like him! Most people think he’s really immature & sometimes he can be. But I found at the dance the other side of Mike. The sweet, considerate side. He’s totally different when he’s not around Jessie. See, if I go out with him, a lot of people will think I’m stupid. Kara will be mad at me & Rachel might be mad at me. I really like him but will it hurt my rep? I know he’s not bad, but most people think he’s a jerk. I’d be much better off with Craig, Ray (if I liked him), or even Doug (if I liked him). I still like Craig a little though. My life is so deformed. It’s a puzzle, just the pieces are scattered. Most of them shaped like a broken heart, my broken heart. I need some reason, sense, I need to be led down the right path. God can you help me? I’m just really confused & I believe this is going to be a really depressful weekend. Something that also ruined the dance was Ryan asked me to dance. I refused. I must have made him feel like shit. I’m crying! I never meant for this to happen! I promise that I will dance with him at the next dance. I have to write him an apology letter. I’m going to. –Krista I HEART MIKE & CRAIG!”
  Ah such a common break-up theme. I suppose I can't speak for everyone, but I know in my life regardless of whether I am the dumper or dumpee, after the break-up, I feel sad for a little while but then a defense mechanism of sorts kicks in and I think of all the good justifications for the split...
He was too young for me, he cheated on me, he had embarassing body odor, he lacked ambition, he routinely ignored me on the phone while trying to simultaneously play video games, I hated his family, he was stuck-up and boring, he wasn't religious, he was a different religion, he pressured me, he had stupid hair, he had an inferiority complex, he was too short, he was a liar, he was a pathological liar, or in the case of Craig: opposites just don't attract.
And then after a day or so of being comfortable with the break-up, regret sets back in. No. No. Nononono. Wait. I thought I was okay, but I'm not. I'm really not okay. I miss him. I miss his voice and his kiss and dammit I miss his stupid hair. I'll never be able to tease him about cutting (or not cutting) his hair again. Wahhh! I was wrong. I want him baaaaaaack.
Unfortunately, that's just the natural progression of a break-up. A few days or weeks of the back-and-forth emotions and it all works itself out. Oh and it certainly doesn't hurt for there to be a new guy on the horizon. ;)
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FYI: those were all legit break-up justifications from various relationships throughout my life (not all the same guy obviously... thank god).
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“11-21-96. Dear Yraid, I wish Craig would go back out with me again. I really like him and I want him back. He is getting cuter & cuter every day. Ahh I love him! I wish we were still together. Today when I brought my trash back at lunch, Craig was behind me by the garbage cans. Then he started a conversation with me about how he flicked Jordan on the head & he passed out. Do you think he was trying to impress me? Doubt it, he likes me as a friend only (I think). Amazingly, this is the first time we brought our trays up together! He always brought his tray up before me when we were going out! Wow! Strange. Well, to sum up this entry: I WISH CRAIG AND I WERE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS! -Krista I Heart Craig!”
  Ten points if you saw that one coming. Just kidding- because I think we could all tell that Craig wasn't my soul mate. So actually, negative ten points if you didn't see that one coming. But thank you for being such an optimist.
How crappy is that? My only goal was to date Craig longer than Jessica... for 2 weeks 1 day. Instead Craig dumped me after exactly two weeks. Yup, I'd say he planned it. Seems like Craig had a two week limit. I'm sure his technique was to date a girl just long enough to shut her (and their annoying friends) up.
Would people really criticize me if I said, "I LOVE RIDER" while dating Craig for a couple days? Would Craig really be threatened by the (remote) possibility of me running off with a TGIF sitcom star? In my adult life, I have never been shy about swooning over celebrity crushes (Josh Hartnett, Jude Law, Gavin DeGraw, etc.) in front of boyfriends. And ya know what, I don't think anyone ever had a problem with it. If they did, it would have just revealed some intense insecurities that I wouldn't have wanted to deal with anyhow.
Hopefully my next middle school relationship will last longer and be more interesting!
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“11-14-96. Dear Yraid, Craig dumped me! When we were walking back from lunch he said to me, “Can we just be friends?” That’s all I remember, the rest was a blur. The last thing I remember him saying was, “you’re not going to go off somewhere crying now are you?” I told him probably not, which was a lie cause my eyes got all watery & I couldn’t concentrate in Social Studies. When I got home, I ran up to my room & burst into tears. How could he do this, how could he lie? It was like he planned it. Today was our 2 week anniversary. Why did he have to dump me on such a happy day? We went out for exactly 2 weeks, 1 hour, and 21 minutes. Whoa! Weird, look 2121! That is now my official favorite number 2121. Backwards it is 1212 so my favorite time now is 12:12. Call me weird, but I still like Craig. I’m also kind of (not really) happy he dumped me. Why? Because I noticed that we are way different & in this case – opposites don’t attract! Well, see ya! Boyfriendless, Krista P.S. Boyfriendless is a good feeling. I feel free now! I can say I HEART RIDER! And no one will care. P.P.S. I’m having a birthday party on the 22nd. 2121!”
  Aw, Craig seemed so sweet giving me a Hershey's *kiss* charm. But then the truth had to come out... he didn't even know why he was going out with me. Oh crap. That's not a good sign. Nooooo this first love was supposed to last foreverrrrrrrrrrrr! Or at least longer than Jessica's record with Craig of two weeks!
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“11-13-96 Dear Yraid, Today Craig found a Hersey Kiss chain on the floor (you know, for a necklace). It was broken, there was no loop to put a chain through. Craig gave it to me. Later in Science, he said, “Too bad that charm is broken. If it wasn’t, you could wear it as a necklace.” Whoa! Cool, he really wanted me to wear it. When I got home from school, I wanted to look at the charm but it wasn’t in my pocket! I LOST IT! AHHH! -Krista P.S. Meghan said she said to Craig, “I don’t see how Krista can go out with you.” Meghan told me he said, “A lot of people ask me how I can go out with her and I don’t really have an answer for that question either!” Is Meghan lying? She wouldn’t lie. Does Craig truly like me or is he just playing games? God help me my life is so confused!”
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So many great things in this entry!
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