Strategy

Middle school relationships were so volatile that my strategy to secure a boyfriend for the dance was to wait until the day before or the day of the dance to ask someone out... that way they wouldn't have a chance to dump me before the night of romance. And I guess I wouldn't have a chance to lose interest either. So even though I liked Richard again and knew that he'd go back out with me (because someone prank called him-- how awful-- that poor kid-- as if he hadn't been through enough with the whole "Roses Are Red" breakup poem), I decided it'd be better to wait over two weeks before asking him back out. A lot could happen in two weeks! Richard could get another girlfriend. I could end up finding a new crush. Mark and Jenni could break up. Sounds like a risky strategy...

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“1-2-94. Dear Yriad, Oh jeez. Kay. Well, ya see! Um! I like Richard again! Moe told me that at Joanne’s party, Janice Hall called Richard & said she was me. She asked Richard if he’d go back out with me. He said yes! Well, finally he found out it was a joke. But now I know that he’d say yes if I really did ask him back out again! I like him- & Mark. In SWEP I was looking for my folder & Mark came up & started talking to me. He was also looking through the folders. We were the only ones up there & we were talking! Then I found my folder. I said, “Oh I found mine but I couldn’t find yours.” He said, “Oh, I wasn’t looking for mine. It’s at my seat.” Wow! I’m positive that Richard still likes me. Jaime thinks Mark likes me. I don’t know. I think Ryan still likes me. Because I want to be going out with someone at the dance on the 17th, here’s my plan. Wait until the day before or the day of the dance to ask Richard out. If Mark & Jenni break up before that, I might possibly ask Mark out beforehand. That way I’m guaranteed to have a boyfriend for the dance- unless Richard gets a girlfriend. –Krista”

Mark

What?! Where the heck did MARK come from?

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"1-1-97. Dear Yraid, Happy New Year! I've been having numerous (& I mean numerous) dreams about Mark. He's really cute. Jaime thinks he'll go out with me. I'm not so sure. -Krista I LUV MARK!"

Overly Sensitive

Oooh suspicious! Doug (the "dog") might be cheating on Jaime? Or rather, might like another girl? Really, was this that big of a deal back in a time where most relationships only lasted a couple weeks and most people knew the next person they'd date before they broke up with their current sig other?

Let's get down to what this was really about. I'd say about 20% of me really cared about Doug's interests for my best friend Jaime's sake. I'm willing to bet that, whether I would have admitted it or not at the time, 80% of my concern was really based in how Doug's actions affected me. It's not fair to Jaime that Doug sent Teri a Candy Gram and wanted to buy her a Christmas present. But it wasn't fair to ME that Doug claimed that both Teri and I were his friends... and I didn't get any gifts or special treatment like Teri did!

I was probably just being overly sensitive...

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“12-27-96. Dear Yraid, Hello. Whenever I listen to “I’m Everything I Am Because You Loved Me” I cry. I don’t really think of one spisiphic person, I just think of how I don’t have anyone. It’s just an empty hole. A deep, sad, lonely hole. I wish I could fill it. I really want someone to love, someone to be there for me. Jaime says not to worry. I guess she’s right. There are lots of fish in the sea. I don’t cry when I hear “Unbreak My Heart” because that’s not really sad for me. My heart isn’t really broken by anyone- currently. Actually, the song should go “I’m Everything I Am Because Someone Loved Me”. Lianna likes Steve. She’s asking him out. I think he’ll say yes. Great! Then I’ll be surrounded by couples & I’ll have even more of a reason to be depressed! Oh well! I should move on my life! Geez! Doug is being a poopy fart head. He’s not being very loyal to Jaime. I think there’s something fishy going on between him & Teri. They sent each other Candy Grams. Doug’s to Teri said, “You SUK” and Teri’s to Doug said “Merry Christmas! Kiss Jaime soon!” Nothing weird there. But at school he hangs out with Teri an awful lot. Then Jaime said that she was talking to Doug on the phone & he said, “I need to get Teri a Christmas present still.” How rude! He told Jaime that! His own girlfriend! How insensitive! Doesn’t he know that girls have feelings? Ones that can be easily hurt? DUMB! He’ll probably claim they’re just friends. Oh? Well he says that we’re friends but I didn’t get a Candy Gram from him, I didn’t get a present. Plus, if he is just getting her a present as a friend, then why isn’t he getting his ‘guy’ friends presents? He’s rude, insensitive, & well stupid. Did I say a dog? Well, I meant to. – Krista the lonely P.S. I took a test in a magazine. It resulted that I am Overly Sensitive. I can’t help it! It’s not my fault! My feelings are just easily hurt! Jeez!”

Prince Charming

Before you read this, I should remind you that Michael is my little brother. He would have been 7 years old at the time.

First imagine how cute it is that my little 7-year-old brother bought me earrings for Christmas. They weren't anything fancy, just red rhinestone studs he probably bought for a couple dollars at the elementary school's "Holiday Bazaar"... but still, very cute and thoughtful.

Then I remember my family was driving around looking at Christmas lights one night and I was twirling around the earring my brother bought me in my ear... and that's when I realized... no boy had ever bought me jewelry (or really, a present at all) except for my brother. I'm sure at that age, lots of other girls were in the same boat as me, but I had a few friends who got presents from boyfriends and I felt left out. It was kind of a weird connection to make, but it really bothered me that day and I felt very lonely.

I'm surprised at how accurately I remembered the way I felt about the Toni Braxton (and similar) CDs when I told the story in this post.

I wonder if I'll find a Price Charming in time for the next school dance!

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“12-26-96. Dear Yraid, ‘Twas the night after Christmas… IT IS! I have strep throat! Fun, fun, fun! I felt so sick & I wuz contagious on Christmas Eve that I couldn’t join in the family exchanges. I had to stay home. But I still go the gifts. I got cool stuff. Then Christmas came. Strangely, it didn’t see much like Christmas at all! I got some really nice stuff. Our whole family got Nintendo 64! Cool! It’s awesome! Jaime & I have been talking on the phone a lot over vacation. We always greet each other by saying, “Hello Daaahling!” It’s funny. She’s going to Pittsburgh until like the 30th soon. Boo-hoo! Poor me! I wrote her a few notes over vacation Y she wrote me one. Michael got me earrings for Christmas. Sadly, my first piece of jewelry from a boy. That’s when I noticed how lonely I am without Richard, without Craig, without… anyone! I don’t like Richard & Craig anymore, it’s just I wish I had someone there who really loved me other than my family. Because I don’t like anyone, I’m preparing to be lonely for a long time. I’m waiting for someone real special to come along- hopefully soon. I know my Price Charming is out there somewhere! Hopefully the Prince will come soon cuz there’s a dance coming up & I don’t wanna be lonely then! For Christmas, I got Toni Braxton & Celine Dion CDs. They both have sad songs on them like, “I’m Everything I Am Because You Loved Me” & “Unbreak my Heart”. I know I have no reason to cry during those songs, but sometimes I do anyhow. I can’t help it. They’re full of memories like Craig. And then I think of how lonely I am now. Gee, I wish I had someone! -Krista P.S. I’ll write back soon! I heart no one cuz no one hearts me.”

So much for that

Happy early Valentine's Day everyone! Hope you enjoy this uber-romantic poem...


Yep, turns out the relationship with Richard didn't even last a week. I dumped him quite unexpectedly considering in the previous entry I had said that I LOVED him. This was also the meanest thing I have ever done to a guy and I still feel bad about it to this day. Ahhh middle school peer pressure... there's nothing else like it.

I have no idea where Rachel got that poem. I googled it and found it mentioned on a few sites... but it doesn't seem to be from a movie or book or anything. Odd.

Let's break down this timeline...

12/12 - Decided I like Richard
12/13 - Started dating Richard
12/14 - Fell in love with Richard
12/16 - Still loved Richard but admitted I wasn't "comfortable" around him
12/19 - Broke up with Richard
12/20 - Decided I still loved Richard

Makes perfect sense! Haha... right. Makes sense according to typical middle school logic.

It's also interesting that it was partly (mostly?) a dream that caused me to fall back in love with Richard again... and that in that dream "he was totally different". Hmm. Exactly what part of that dream did I really want to come true... for Richard and I to date again? For Richard to be "totally different"? Or for both? Hmm...

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“12-20-96. Dear Yraid, So I did dump Richard. I was really harsh. I feel really bad about it. I think he hates me. Rachel told me to dump him by writing this poem in a note: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Garbage is dumped, And so are you. I feel so bad. I like him again, can you tell? I’d like to go back out with him! I’ll see if I still like him at the end of vacation. If I do go back out with him, I’m afraid I’ll lose interest again! I had this really great dream last night. Here’s how it went: I was in Language Arts. I was having trouble with my computer so I asked Mrs. Decker. She said she was too busy. So Richard volunteered to help me. But instead, he came up behind my chair & hugged me! It was such a good dream! After that in my dream, we started going back out! It was so cool. He was so sweet! I loved it & I loved him. He was totally different in my dream! If only that could come true. God, make it come true! -Krista”

Finally a school day!

Figures. I got a boyfriend who was cute and funny and instead of being happy, I found reasons not to like him. So I was probably his first girlfriend... so what? That cracks me up. I acted like my two week relationship with Craig was legitimate dating experience. I had experience, Richard did not.

Popularity was huge in middle school even though I don't think any of us could have actually defined "popular" or explained how people became popular. Looking back on it, I guess a lot of them played sports and/or had older siblings. Older siblings could teach them about clothes and makeup and flirting and dating and kissing... things I knew nothing about. Also, I guess the popular kids had no other defining traits except the two I already mentioned. They weren't especially into music or theater or video games or school in general. And since they couldn't be classified into any other group, I guess that left them as "popular".

So even though I certainly wasn't popular, I still judged Richard's popularity. Which is weird because I don't remember judging Craig's... and he wasn't terribly popular either. But I'm glad that even though Richard wasn't popular, I still dated him and saw him for all his good qualities and hoped that everyone would see him the way I did too. For all I know, he was thinking the same thing about me.

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“12-16-96. Dear Yraid, Finally a school day! Every time Richard & I saw each other, we said hi & smiled. At the end of the day, he asked me if I wanted him to sit w/ me at lunch tomorrow. I said sure. I thought of dumping him. I’m not as comfortable around him as I wuz around Craig. I’m pretty sure I’m his 1st girlfriend. But that could be good cuz he’ll remember me forever. A lot of people are making fun of me. That’s why I don’t want many people to know. I’m kinda embarrassed. Hopefully it’ll turn out good & everyone will start to respect him more. He’s not very popular. But he’s cute & funny so I don’t see why not. Well I’ve gotta go! -Krista P.S. Jaime said Doug told Richard to call me tonite & Doug gave him my #. Richard never called me! Craig & I are really good friends now! I heart Richard! I guess. I almost need a new diary!”

Here's how it all happened...

Here's the story of how Richard became my second boyfriend...
I was such a hypocrite. I was worried that my boyfriend was only going out with me because he was desperate. And yet, in previous diary entries, I said multiple times about multiple boys, "I guess I'll go out with him if he wants to go out with me." I was pretty much the queen of desperate even though there's no way I would have admitted it at the time. Actually, I probably didn't believe that I was desperate since I did have some standards-- there was a good 10-15% of boys at the school who I wouldn't date.

I was so sad that I wouldn't see Richard until Monday, but get this, we lived in the same neighborhood. His house was only about a half mile away from mine. Although, in my former self's defense, no one wants to walk half a mile in Erie during December when there's guaranteed to be at least a foot of snow on the ground!

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“12-14-96. Dear Yraid, Here’s how it all happened- I told Jaime that she could ask him if he’d go out with me if she wanted to. So she did on the bus & he said ‘probably’. Then Doug asked him on the bus & he said ‘yes’. Doug told Jaime & Meghan & they called me to tell me when they got home from school. At first I didn’t believe them, but then I was convinced! I was so happy. Then when I went over to Jaime’s around 5:30 I called him. All we did is say hi & then complete silence. So I said that I had to go & we hung up. I got so depressed because he didn’t talk to me. Then from where Jaime & I were babysitting Jaime called Richard. She told him how I thought he didn’t like me. Jaime said that he said that he does like me & he’s sorry, he just didn’t know what to say. So then I was kinda happy. But then I started to think that maybe he’s just desperate & he’d go out with anyone. Then I was sad. My life is so confused right now. Maybe he’s just phone shy. I hope he likes me. I’m not calling him again unless he tells me to. I hope Monday will be good. Too bad I can’t see him till then. But think, at least I’m over Craig. I heart RICHARD! -Krista”