   This is one of the diary entries that make me glad I kept a diary as a kid. It captures the first time someone said I was beautiful... the first time, in an age of adolescent awkwardness, that I actually felt beautiful.
Of course, it was hard to believe that anyone dressed in my mid-90's wardrobe of purposely inside-out sweatshirts and overalls (only one strap attached) would be beautiful. So of course I was surprised and somewhat skeptical, but it was a start.
Middle school marked the beginning of popularity wars and the subsequent introduction of insecurities... so this small comment made by Richard meant a lot to me. It's possible that maybe I really was just dating him "for the words he wrote"... but perhaps he was dating me for the same reason. I see nothing wrong with two pre-teens building up each other's confidence... that's exactly what they need at that time in their life... well, that is, until the inevitable breakup... Hm. On second thought, maybe kids should find other ways to gain confidence.
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“1-28-97. Dear Diary. Today I gave Richard a note that had my school picture in it. In my note I asked if he thought I looked stupid. Anyhow, this morning Richard gave me a note. Highlights: He wrote that there’s really no point to the letter. He was just thinking of me. And he’ll still be (he wrote that). This note had a big heart at the bottom & it ended with Love Richard! Then he gave me another note before 6th period. Highlights: A whole paragraph, in his words: “Of course you don’t look stupid in your picture. You look beautiful.” He said I was beautiful! No one other than family has called me beautiful. And I never really thought I was! Richard wrote me a note in my file server on the computer. I didn’t see it yet. But Jaime told me it says “I love you” in it! Here are our old seats for Language Arts. Now it’s: I SIT BY RICHARD! Know what? I’m starting to think I only like Richard for the words he writes. But then, maybe I’m wrong. Ya! I’m wrong, totally wrong. Doug called to tell me to call Jaime & tell her he doesn’t want to go out with her anymore. So I did. Jaime was really sad at first. But she isn’t anymore cause she doesn’t like him anymore. She likes Mike. The bad thing is… I wrote a note in his file server that said: Jaime & Doug sitting in a tree… etc.! Anyhow, Doug called me back for no reason just to talk. He calls me ‘Bob’. Why? I don’t quite know. Mom thinks he likes me! He’s okay. Mom thinks he’s cute. I don’t even want to think about liking him! After liking him for 3 consecutive years – I’m done! – Krista”
  Hmmm spinning a rod, eh? For some reason I don't think Richard and his siblings had cable TV or Nintendo... either that or maybe this was just a weird boy thing to do that I can't relate to. All I know is that I don't think my sister and I ever used to "spin rods". I'm not sure I even know what that means.
Do kids who forget their lunch money really have to go lunch-less for the day? That's so sad! You'd think someone would have lent him money. But if not, I bet Richard learned his lesson and never forgot his lunch money again.
Oooh the teacher caught Richard reading a love letter! He's lucky he didn't get it taken away. This was the same teacher that caught my friend Jaime and I writing notes to each other. Jaime and I weren't in the same science class, but had the same teacher and realized that we sat in the same seat. So we decided to be super-sneaky and leave each other notes taped under the table. When I was in class, I'd write her a note, tape it to the underside of the table and a few periods later, she'd find my note, write me back and repeat. We thought we were pretty clever until one day, my tape didn't hold and the note fell to the ground. Mr. Lohse found it, had a talk with us, and we never did it again. But we did start using code names in our notes. Duh.
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“1-24-97. Dear Diary, Here are the highlights from the note that Richard gave me today! His birthday is June 11, 1983. Last night his brother was spinning a rod & it lost control & hit him in the eye. Here’s a whole paragraph, word for word: I forgot my lunch money today. So I’m not going to be eating lunch (duh!). I hope today gets better than it’s been so far. But with you around will brighten my day! This note had a heart in every corner & a little thing that looked a lot like this: XXX OOO. It had hugs & kisses inside! Awww! How sweet! Richard came up to me at my locker and told me this: He was reading the note from me in Science class when Mr. Lohse walked in the room. Mr. L asked Richard what he was doing. Someone in the class yelled out, “He’s reading love letters!” Then he had to put it away. O-kay?! -Krista”
   Quick historical fact-check on Eva Peron's death... she died of cervical cancer... which is not exactly something you can fix with "those shock things" (AKA an external defibrillator). I wonder if Richard's team lost points for that.
I feel like Rachel D's ploy to get Brandon to dump her is not unique to middle school. I think there are people at every age who don't deal well with confrontation and see that as an easy out. However, I think there are two differences.
1. Rachel had already dumped Brandon three times in a time period, I'm guessing, of less than five months MAX (since the beginning of that school year). Adults, on the other hand, would have already given up on a relationship with that kind of track record... or with that kind of on-again, off-again status, adults wouldn't even consider it an exclusive relationship-- thus, no need for an official break up at all.
2. I'm just guessing that most adults wouldn't fictitiously criminalize themselves to get a significant other to break up with them. They would actually criminalize themselves. What's the point in spreading false rumors that you've been cheating? If people are going to think you're a cheater anyhow, you should probably just cheat and at least get some pleasure out of it. Hey, if that's what it takes to get your boyfriend or girlfriend to fall into your "trap" and dump you, you might as well kill two birds with one stone.
Okay, just to clear things up, I do not condone or support cheating by any means. I think cheaters are selfish cowards who want what they can't have and are afraid of honest communication with their partner. Pretty much goes hand-in-hand with the type of people who devise plans to get their significant other to break up with them. And now we've come full circle.---
“1-23-97. Dear Diary, Here’s something that I forgot to tell you yesterday. Richard had play practice after school. But he came all the way back to my locker just to say goodbye! I got another note from Richard today. Highlights: His favorite radio station is Jet, same as me. This note had a heart at the bottom also. When I look at where he wrote ‘Love’ at the ending of the note (Love Richard) that reaches deep down inside my heart. He really meant it when he wrote ‘love’. It’s just touching to know that someone loves you that much. Richard did his presentation in Social Studies today. Their country was Argentina. Richard’s timeline was all on Evita and Juan Peron. Him & his group acted out when Evita Peron died. Ryan was a doctor using using those shock things on Evita. And Richard was Juan, Evita’s husband. Well, they had Christina be Evita! When Ryan announced that Evita (Christina) was dead, Richard pretended that he was crying & he said, “Oh no! Not Evita! My poor dear Evita!” That really bothered me. I’m kinda mad! I guess I shouldn’t be worried because he still signs his notes with Love & a big heart. Rachel D told me that she doesn’t want to go out with Brandon anymore. But she wants him to dump her because she already dumped him like 3 times. She told me not to tell anyone, not even Amy. She wanted me to tell Brandon that I saw her flirting with a bunch of boys. So I did & I think he’s mad. She told me & not Amy! I was talking to Rachel about what Brandon said when I told him & Sandy was around. When Rachel left, Sandy said, “I know what she’s trying to do.” I asked her what & she said, “Trying to get him to dump her.” I asked her how she knew & she said that she & Rachel are like best friends & Rachel tells her everything. Does that mean that I’m like Rachel’s best friend too? Well, if she told me & didn’t want anyone else to know… ? I hope so cuz Rachel’s really nice & she would make a cool friend (she already does). –Krista”
  So you would think that being liked 90-110 on a scale of 1 to 100 is pretty darn good... but I'd like to question... what does that really mean? How can you say that you like someone a range? Does that mean on a bad day, he liked me a 90 and on a good day, he liked me 110?
Or does it mean that there were some things about me that he only liked at a 90 level and other things he liked at 110 level? If so, I would guess those things were my braces and my sense of humor, respectively.
Perhaps it means that he hadn't really decided how much he liked me... he just knew it was a lot. But in that case, why would he ask to quantify something he couldn't even quantify himself? Seriously, what's the point in setting a scale if you can't even pinpoint a single number?
I wonder how I responded to him. ---
“1-22-97. Dear Diary, Richard gave me a note this morning. Highlights: He gave me his picture. He doesn’t know if he can go to the movies Friday but, & I quote, “he sure hopes he can go.” He’s the Bishop in the play. Listen, here’s a whole paragraph that he wrote WORD for WORD, this is exactly what he wrote! This might sound stupid but if it doesn’t, then that’s okay. From a scale of 1-100, what number would represent how much you like me? Mine would have to be 90 and up to 110. That’s how much I like you. He said that Lance said, “If Richard had braces, Richard and Krista would make sparks!” As a P.P.S., he wrote, I’ll be thinkin of ya! This note also had a heart on it. Everytime I read the scale part of the note, I just melt! Even though he doesn’t have much dating experience- he sure knows what I want to hear! Well, I’ve gotta go! See, there I go! Krista. I LOVE RICHARD!”
Allow me to introduce you to Diary #5...  Yes, Diary #5 is covered with a luxurious velvet/velour material. Sexy.
Here's the inside of the cover... Old school label-maker! Hell yeah! What dates the diary more... the velvet cover or the old labels?
Onto the first entry...   Three notes in one day-- that's INTENSE.
INVU4URAQT... I remember being so confused by this. Yeah, I understood what it meant... but why would Richard, a boy, envy me for being cute? Wouldn't that mean that he wanted to be cute like me? Odd. I take that back, I am still confused by this.
Casual acronyms like this one really took off starting in middle school. Okay, disclaimer: I recognize INVU4URAQT isn't an acronym... but you know what I mean... strings of letters that represent words in some way or another. Haha. Anyhow, this was years before we started using OMG, WTF, and TTYL.
Instead, these were the years of...
- C/M - Call Me
- W/B - Write Back
- WBS - Write Back Soon
- WBASAP - Write Back As Soon As Possible
- TTFN - Ta Ta For Now
- LYLAS - Love You Like A Sister
- YBFFAA - Your Best Friend Forever And Always
- WAZ ↑ ↓ @? - What's up, down, all around?
Yes, I found those by looking through my two-inch binder filled with middle school notes.
Two other things I found were Sorry So Sloppy (written with one big S and all three words written beside it) and Boys Before Books Because Books Become Boring (written similarly).
Do you remember any more to add to the old school acronym list?
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“1-21-97. Dear Diary, Hello! I think that’s what I’ll call you. Plain-diary. But that’s okay. NOTE TO THE READER: Please read my 4 diaries before this. Cuz if you don’t you won’t know what’s going on. So… Today (this morning) Richard gave me a note. Here are some of the highlights: He made me a bracelet (string)! He said that he thought the dance was awesome! He wants my school picture! He wrote INVU4URAQT! Get it? “I envy you for you are a cutie” Then on the front of the note he wrote – QT (cutie)! Then I wrote him back & he wrote me back. On this note some of the highlights are: Well, he said he was writing in SWEP & he didn’t want Mrs. Sam to catch him. This note ended with: Love, Richard! Then he wrote me another note. Highlights: He said that his parents don’t let him have girlfriends, but he does anyhow. This one ended with Love, Richard too. Every one of these notes had a heart drawn somewhere on it! WOW! He doesn’t know how much this bracelet means to me! He is so sweet! I hope this relationship lasts! I showed Kasey the bracelet from Richard. She said she knew about it because Anthony told her. Richard called me after school today. He asked what time the movie that Monica & I are trying to get a group of people to go to on Friday is going to be. Whenever he calls me he says, “This is Rich.” He calls himself Rich! I’m sorry but that’s kinda funny. Well, gotta go! Krista I LOVE RICHARD!”
  So dramatic!
"At a first glance a diary is just a book containing blank pages. But after you fill it up and use it for a long time, it means much more than that." So profound!
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“ALSO 1-20-97. Closing. Well, well, well! It’s been so long! Since September 9, 1996. Wow! It has been a long time! But now I must move on to other diaries, to other pages of love & hate. Throughout this diary you will find me: LIKING 7 BOYS & GOING OUT WITH 2 BOYS. Yraid, you’ve been very important to me. Through your pages lie a lot of exciting, happy, and sometimes sad entries. You are my 4th diary out of who knows how many. Luckily, you had a happy ending. And so I must depart & move on to many more diaries. At a first glance a diary is just a book containing blank pages. But after you fill it up and use it for a long time, it means much more than that. I truly will miss you, Yriad. –Krista THIS DIARY WAS USED FROM SEPT 9 ’96 – JAN 20 ’97.”
  I can't remember if we've been over this already. Anthony was Richard's next-door neighbor who was also friends with my sister Kasey because they were in the same grade. Actually, I think they might have dated at some point, but I'm not sure. To make this love triangle (more like love pentagon) even more complicated, Anthony's sister Joanne was in my and Richard's grade and from what I remember, she always had a HUGE crush on him.
Anyhow, teenagers today don't know what they're missing. They're so busy thinking they're all cool with their own cell phones that they probably don't even realize that the advent of the cell phone has seriously reduced their options when it comes to spying on their siblings. If no one is using the communal family house phone, how can you possibly listen in to your sister's conversations? Through her bedroom door? Lame. And obvious.
Back in the 90's, it was so easy to pick up another line, cover the mouthpiece and/or hold your breath, and listen in to other people's private conversations. Was it fair, moral, or right to do? Of course not. But reality TV was limited at the time and nobody kept blogs, so it was the best entertainment you could get in the "watching-other-people's-lives" genre. Don't get the impression that I was the only one doing the spying in my household. Incorrect. My sister did her fair share as well!
It was always frustrating when you got busted though... when they heard you pick up the other line and knew you were there, listening. Kasey would say something like, "Who's on the phone? Krista! Get off the phone! I heard you pick up!!" Sometimes I'd try to just stay quiet and ride it out until she was convinced I wasn't really on the line. Other times, I'd give up and attempt to hang up as slowly and carefully as I had tried to get on... so as to not admit fault.
But then I discovered THE TRICK. If you unplugged the cord from the phone first, picked up the receiver from the base (it couldn't be a cordless phone), and THEN plugged the cord back in... voila! It was much quieter and less noticeable than trying to slowly pick up the clunky receiver. And there, my friend, is THE TRICK... I just wish I knew someone who could benefit from it today... but alas, with cell phones there is no TRICK. There is no spying, period.
Thank goodness we have reality TV and blogs.
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“1-20-97. Dear Yraid, Anthony called Kasey today. I picked up the phone to listen into their conversation. Anthony said, “Put Krista on!” Kasey said, “Why?” Anthony kept saying, “Put Krista on!” & Kasey kept saying, “Why?” So finally I said, “I’m on.” Well, then, Richard came on the phone! Here’s how the conversation went. RS: Hi. KD: Hi. RS: They forced me to do this. This is Rich, of course. KD: I know. RS: Did you go to the movies Saturday night? KD: No, no one went because no one could go. RS: Well, I’ll see you tomorrow. KD: Yeah. Bye. Then Anthony came back on the phone. AB: Will you go out with Richard? KD: Yeah. AB: SHE SAID YES! SHE SAID YES! SHE SAID YES! I’ve gotta go! Bye! KD: Bye! I’m going out with Richard again! YES! Well, I would have rather told him to his face, but this will suffice! Well, I have to go dream about Richard! -Krista I LOVE RICHARD!”
   "I think this next relationship with Richard is just the start of more award-winning boyfriends in my future."I love it. As much as I LOVED Richard and even went so far as to allude to him being my 'husband', middle school relationships were so disposable that I knew no matter how much I was crushing on Richard at that moment, it would have been unrealistic to expect him to be the person I'd be with for the rest of my life. Maybe just for the rest of that week, month, or school year-- until a newer, better crush came along. After all, Richard did only make me feel dreamy "most of the time." Certainly there'd be a boy out there that made me feel "dreamy" 100% of the time. But "award-winning"?... hahaha.
This stuff with Doug is just ridiculous. It annoys me that that I seriously thought that sharing a pop meant more than just sharing a pop. Sad thing is, I knew girls in college who still thought that way. So annoying. "Andy asked to borrow my Sociology book tonight because he didn't buy it... he was totally flirting with me!!" "I was in the pasta line in the cafeteria and Paul reached around me to get the asiago and said 'Excuse me'!... do you think he likes me!?" Ugh. Zero tolerance for that crap. Unfortunately, in middle school, I WAS that crap.
And I had a terrible sense of humor when it came to "dick" jokes... if you can even call it that. Just immature all around, really. I want to slap my middle-school self and say "grow up!"---
“ALSO 1-18-97. Hello again Yraid, Thinking of Friday night gives me the chills. It was so perfect! When Richard asked me out, most of my friends were around me. They kept saying in my ear, “Say yes!” Maybe I should’ve. Oh well. I have to wait until Tuesday. Oh!! I can still feel his hands on my waist. I wish I could relive last night! I’d do everything the same. I just want Richard again. I LOVE RICHARD! I keep having so many flashbacks of the dance. It was just too wonderful. I loved it! I’m most likely going to say yes to Richard. I know for a fact that he likes me. I wasn’t quite sure Craig liked me at all. I think this next relationship with Richard is just the start of more award-winning boyfriends in my future. I feel so dreamy! That’s how Richard makes me feel, most of the time. At the dance, Jaime & I were sitting drinking pop at a table. Doug & Danny sat down. I had already drank out of my pop can & Doug asked me if he could have a sip. I let him. After he drank a little he gave the can to me & I took a sip. That’s how good of friends we are. We’re like brother & sister totally. So, that would make me Jaime’s sister-in-law in a round-about way. Cool! Now we’re one big happy family. With a soon-to-be new person. My ‘husband’ Dick, that’s sick, I meant to say Richard. We’ll I’ve gotta go dream about Richard! -Krista I LOVE RICHARD!”
   Heart-dotted i's! That's how you knew I was REALLY in love. And ohmygosh, can you believe that Richard and I stared at each other for a full 30 seconds? At the time, that was the most romantic event in my life... now it just sounds kind of awkward and creepy.
THE Lianna is actually in town this week and staying with me. I asked her if she remembered the dance in this entry (because I don't). After thinking for a minute or so, her response was, "Um, it was in the gym." All our dances were in the gym. We agreed there were just too many dances in middle school to keep them straight.
Then we found "One Sweet Day" on YouTube and sang the whole song together. We still remembered all the lyrics, knew every single undulation of Mariah Carey's voice, and nailed the key change-- all of which is pretty surprising considering we probably haven't heard that song in 10 years. How could we remember the song so well and yet have no memory of the dance?
As we were singing the song, I realized for the first time EVER that "One Sweet Day"... a song that has such romantic associations in my memory... is about SOMEONE WHO DIED. How the hell did I miss that before? "And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven / Like so many friends we've lost along the way / And I know eventually we'll be together / One sweet day." Not so romantic anymore. Yikes.
So, I asked Lianna, "Whoa, is this song about someone who DIED?" She responded, "Yeah! I think it was about some rapper or something." I said, "No, that was 'I'll Be Missing You'."
Turns out we were both right, kinda. "One Sweet Day" was written for a music producer, a guitarist, and a road manager who passed away and "I'll Be Missing You" was written for Notorious B.I.G. Apparently there were a lot of R&B tribute songs in the 1990's. Unfortunately for the writers of those songs, I instead associate them with tween hormones and awkward middle school slow dances.
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“1-18-97. Dear Yraid, All I can think about is Richard! He is so cute & sweet! He’s not afraid to ask girls out. Plus, he really likes me! Oh & I really like him too! I think I’ll say yes. Hopefully, we’ll go out & last. Last night Doug & Jaime were really close then they danced. Her head was on his shoulder! Jaime said they kissed! Doug really likes her. She should be happy I told her not to dump him! They’re a really good couple but not as good as me & Richard! When Richard & I were dancing he was really shaking. At one point I felt him pull me closer! But, hey, that’s fine with me! We danced 4 times! Once during the last song, we both looked at each other & smiled. We were looking at each other for like 30 seconds! How romantic! Also at the dance he asked me why I dumped him. I said I didn’t know. I really don’t. I think I’m gonna say yes! I feel bad for Lianna. I need to get Steve to like her but how. Steve already hates me. Oh! I need to some good in this world! Help me. Help her. Lianna & I just figured out that the last song was “One Sweet Day.” Ooh! I have that tape! I can play it for flashbacks. See ya! Krista I love Richard! Lianna loves Steve!”
   Hahahahha. Hahhaha. Hahahhahaha. Please tell me I'm not the only one who is cracking up thinking about seventh graders slow dancing to "I'll Make Love to You". I had never even kissed a boy... hell, I had never even held hands with a boy... and yet I was slow dancing to lyrics like: "Throw your clothes on the floor / I'm gonna take my clothes off too". Ahh... we were too naive to recognize the awkwardness.
Speaking of that song, at some point in 4th or 5th grade, I thought it would be a really good idea to walk around the house with my light pink boombox propped on my shoulder playing the radio at full blast and singing along. I don't know where I picked that up from, but I thought I was the shit. As I jammed my way into the kitchen where my mom was cooking dinner, the chorus of "I'll Make Love to You" was playing and I was singing along at the top of my lungs. My mom turned around from the stove, her face half-skeptical/half-horrified and asked, "Do you even know what that means?" Of course, I said, "pshh-yeah!" But truthfully, I don't think I had a clue.
Hopefully I knew what it meant by seventh grade... but my nonchalance when mentioning the song makes me think otherwise. However, it's possible that I did know the meaning but also thought I was so mature that it wasn't weird for us to be dancing to it. Or maybe it was just another slow song to me, just another opportunity to dance with my crush.
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“1-17-97. Dear Yraid, Today Melissa walked past as Jaime said to me, “I have something to tell you.” Here’s how the rest went: MS: Jaime, you’re not gonna tell her what I think, right? JC: No. KD: What isn’t she going to tell me? MS: Nothing. (walks away) I run up to her and demand that she tells me. She told me that Richard is going to the dance but he didn’t want me to know, he wanted it to be a surprise! I’ll write back after the dance! Hi, I’m back from the dance. Jaime asked Richard if he’d dance with me. He said yes. So we did to “I’ll Make Love To You”. Then awhile later, Jaime asked him again. He said, “Sure, why not?!” A little while later Richard came up to me and said, “Okay, I need to get something straight. I heard rumors that you want to go back out with me. But I’ve also heard that you don’t. What’s true?” I told him that I wasn’t sure yet. I’d have to think about it more. Then another while later a slow song came on and Richard walked up to me and said, “Wanna dance?” I said sure. So we did again. Then the last song of the night came on and Richard came up to me and this time I said, “Wanna dance?” He said okay. So we did. We kept getting closer & closer. We were REALLY close! Plus, he asked me out! I said maybe. I’ll tell him on Tues. What should I say? I really like him. But my feelings might change! What do I do? –Krista”
  Yes, much better. I consider passing a marker to your crush in front of a bunch of classmates to be an acceptable means of flirtation. Calling names, making faces, pushing, hitting, and bra-snapping are NOT. Those things were temporarily satisfying because it gave you an excuse to talk to or touch your crush... but at the end of the day, you sat in bed frowning and thinking, "I called him a loser and pushed him into a wall- I can't understand why he doesn't like me!"
I still remember the euphoric feeling of passing that marker to Richard. It was so much more thrilling than the other forms of supposed flirting. It used to be cool to pretend like you actually didn't like your crush to his face (while all your friends were telling him the truth). But for once, I was openly admitting it myself. I was making it clear to Richard, my classmates, and even Mr. Jones that I liked Richard and I wasn't afraid to show it. I felt free and giddy and excited. Flirting finally felt right. And it all started with a marker.
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“1-16-97. Dear Yraid, Today in homeroom Melissa came in & told Jaime that Richard probably can’t go because of a family get-together. But she said he said that he’d beg his dad to let him go. Then in Social Studies Mr. Jones asked the class who was going to the dance. Me & some other people raised their hands. Richard said, “I don’t know, I might go. I have to ask my dad.” Then also in Social Studies, we had to do a paper of map with connecting points. Every person that went up to the overhead & drew a line had to pick the next person. Well, Rachel picked me & I drew my line. Then I had to pick someone else & I gave the marker to Richard! Oooh! I think I was really blushing! Hee-hee! Plus, Richard got a main part in the school play! I’m so happy for him. I didn’t try out cuz I didn’t. Bye!”
   Hm. The phone call from Doug M remains a mystery. I wish I could clue you in on what happened with that, but to be completely honest, I don't remember. No freaking clue. Either I knew at some point and forgot or if it's been a mystery for the past 13 years. It's kind of bothering me. I could probably send Doug M a message on Facebook... but #1- how creepy is that? and #2- chances are, he won't remember either.
So I am totally on Team Richard, how bout you guys? It makes me so proud of middle-school-me when middle-school-me throws the peer pressure to be popular aside and admits and expresses love for the somewhat dorky kid. Obviously I still wasn't 100% convinced that my obvious attraction to Richard should completely outweigh the desire to be popular... as evidenced by the fact that I said I'd like Doug M instead if Doug M liked me... but I was getting close. I'd say... 91%. Maybe.
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“1-13-97. Dear Yraid, Nothing happened with Doug M today. I asked 8 people what they thought after I told them what happened. 5 said he likes me. 2 said he wants to go out with me. And 1 said he was doing it for a friend. I’m so conflustered! Jaime asked Doug (S.) if Doug (M.) likes me. Doug stood there thinking for awhile & then he said no. Now, if Doug (M.) really didn’t like me, Doug (S.) would have said no real fast. So why was he thinking. Was he wondering whether he should tell Jaime the truth. Or… what? I asked a lot of people if Doug (M.) called them. They all said no. I kinda like Doug (M). I guess it really depends on if he likes me or not. I like Richard more. Richard is so cute. How can I like him? Normally, I’d think he’s a fool. But I really like him. It’s that weird force. Jaime said that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance. He said that he doesn’t know. He usually doesn’t go to dances. I NEED HIM TO GO! I really want to dance with him! I love him! He’s so cute! I love when he pushes his hair back! Oh is that cute! Oh, is he cute! I like him better when he’s serious though. I hate when he’s weird! Oh, he is so cute! God, please make Richard go to the dance! I’ll be so happy if he goes! - Sabrina I love Ricardo! I LOVE RICHARD!”
  It's kind of confusing in the entry, so let me clarify that this phone call was from Doug M who is different than the Doug I frequently crushed on.
Just when I thought I couldn't possibly get any more shallow and judgmental, I come right out and admit that I'd rather go out with Doug M than Richard because "it would make me look better." Nevermind the fact that I don't think I ever mentioned being attracted to Doug M before. But hey, once he showed interest in knowing whether I was going to JAM THE GYM, I suddenly liked him.
Okay, what the heck is JAM THE GYM? I thought it meant the upcoming dance, but I looked it up and January 12, 1997 was a Sunday. The school dance would have never been on a Monday. Maybe it was some sort of pep rally? Or an important basketball game after school? Weird.
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“1-12-97. Dear Yriad, I got a new diary today. It’s cool! A little after 9:00pm I got a phone call from Doug M. Here’s how the conversation went: ME: Hello? DOUG M: Hi, is Krista home? ME: Ya, this is she. DOUG M: (nervous laughter) Um, this is Doug. ME: Hi. DOUG M: (more nervous laughter) Are you going to Jam the Gym tomorrow? ME: Ya. Why? DOUG M: (pause) Oh, I was just calling everyone I know to make sure they were going. ME: Oh, okay. DOUG M: Bye! ME: Bye! This is a real puzzler. In the background I heard someone laughing. It sounded like Aaron but I’m not sure. #1: Where did Doug get my number? #2: Was he really calling everyone? #3: Why would he call me? I don’t know him all that well. #4: Was this for his information or for someone else’s? If he likes me, I’d go out with him. He’s more popular than Richard, you know, it would make me look better. I kinda like him. Oh! This leaves me with so many questions! It’s frustrating! Like what if he does like me? If he was calling me so someone else would know if I was going- who was that someone else? Who was laughing in the background? Could it be one of Doug’s friends? What mother would let her son be at a friend’s house at 9:00pm? I need some answers here! -Krista”
  I have never heard someone talk so much shit on the person they love. I was so conflicted. I liked Richard. I wanted to like Richard. I wanted to dance and date and hold hands with Richard. But like it or not, middle school life was governed by popularity... and that's what held me back. You can tell that I wanted to date Richard and wanted to tell anyone who questioned it, "Screw popularity!" I wanted to show them the funny and smart and cute Richard I wrote about in my diary-- when I wasn't being influenced by peer pressure to rank his popularity level (apparently zero).
I feel like we've been over this before, but I bet if you had asked anyone else in the school, they would have ranked mine and Richard's popularity the same. I think I realized that but knew that dating Richard wasn't going to help my rank at all. And that's why I was frustrated by my obvious attraction to him.
Well, I'm rooting that attraction wins! Screw popularity!
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“1-11-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! I talked to Jaime today. She’s not worried about Doug liking Rachel. She knows Rachel will never go back out with him. Actually, I’m not so sure about that. Rachel has mixed feelings about Doug. I think. Jaime told me that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance many times. Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said that he usually doesn’t go to dances. But she said that he said something like, he’d only go if he was going to get to dance with me. I don’t think Jaime’s lying. I hope he goes! I really really like him. But he’s such a geek, dork, moron. Even though I know he’s a dork & he has dorky friends, some really weird force is making me like him. It’s really strange. I really love him & then I think of his popularity rank (zero). But still through it all, that force is making me like him. Ryan still likes me (I think). Jaime made a good point, all the guys who like me are dorks! Doug was making fun of me (he’s a loser). He was saying how I could only get 2 boyfriends, Craig & Richard. Then he made a good point: Craig’s gone out with just about everybody & Richard’s gone out with just about nobody. WHAT DO I DO? –Krista”
  Man I really beat myself up over the state of Doug and Jaime's relationship. It seemed like everyone in 7th grade liked someone other than their current boyfriend or girlfriend after a few days of dating. As we've found out in previous entries, people would break up with girlfriend A in order to immediately start dating girlfriend B the next day... and this would repeat. So it should have come as no surprise that Doug liked someone else. That someone else happened to be Doug's ex-girlfriend from 6th grade, Rachel. So I suppose it's important to note that the middle school rule of revolving door dating wasn't driven necessarily by a desire for variety ("collect 'em all" girlfriends), but more so by, um, indecision? A chance to just F with girls' minds? I honestly have no clue.
But it's not that I just don't understand middle school boys. Hell, I don't really understand middle school girls either. And I certainly don't understand why I felt Doug's infidelity (if you can even call it that) warranted a giant "IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" taking up the space of 10 notebook lines.
I wonder if I was being over-dramatic to try to cover up the fact that maybe I was actually kind of happy that Doug and Jaime were possibly going to break up because I secretly still liked Doug and was jealous that he was dating my best friend. Also, maybe I was extra torn up about it because Doug STILL didn't like me. And perhaps I was upset too because I felt like even if Doug and I did date one day, he could do the same thing to me too.
I honestly have no clue and don't remember the situation very well myself. Hm.
P.S. See that little pink dude in the bottom right-hand corner of the page? You'll see him on every other page from here until the end of the diary. I drew him as one of those things that when you flip though the pages, he animates! Clever.
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“1-10-97. Dear Yraid, I am so pissed at Doug. I called him today for a conversation. Well, he was playing “I’ll Make Love To You” in the background. He was also making a rocket & gluing his fingers to a plastic bag. He said he kinda likes Rachel! Of all people! Plus he’s going out with Jaime. I started crying when I got off the phone. I’m crying now. I guess it’s because I’ve known & trusted Doug for such a long time & now he’s betrayed one of my 2 best friends. I called Jaime. We were both crying. I feel so bad for her. I just wanted to hug her. This is going to be the worst weekend for both of us! WHY? Boys are dogs. I hate Doug! I’ve trusted him. I trusted him with a very good friend. He’s broken her heart. I am very disappointed in him. It’s all my fault. If I wouldn’t have hooked them up then this would never had happened! IT’S ALL MY FAULT! I’m so sorry Jaime. You should hate me now. Please don’t hate me! I’m so sorry. I seem to do everything wrong. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. –Krista”
Hi friends! Oh my gosh I am so sorry it's been almost a whole MONTH since I last posted! I was on vacation in St. Maarten with my Mom, sister, and sister-in-law during the second week of March and I spent the week before that preparing and packing and the week after that recovering (although I still haven't finished unpacking). Hm.Well anyhow, at least I'm coming back with a good entry!!   In this entry, I reveal that one of the reasons I broke up with Richard is because he used to say "hi" to me too often in the hallways at school. And my desired behavior for him would have been what exactly? If he ignored me, would I have been okay with that? Clearly I wasn't quite sure what I expected of a boyfriend. I wanted a boyfriend who liked me, but didn't like me TOO much.
Oh man... "Elephant Shoe" and "I Want to Vacuum" really take me back to the good ol' days. Do you guys remember those things? Do you remember any others or were those the only ones? "Olive Juice" had the same effect as "Elephant Shoe"... but that's all I've got.
--- “1-9-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! Today was good, I guess. Why do I even like Richard?? He’s not popular (he sits with Michael at lunch) & he’s really dumb. How can I like him? Jaime thinks I should go out with him no matter how popular he is. Jaime thinks that Doug & Mark like me. She doesn’t think Doug likes her! She also pointed out that all the geeks like me! Uggh! Is she right? She also thinks that Mike likes me. She things that everyone likes me. I walked with Doug to lunch today. Again Jaime & Lianna walked in front of us. Now that’s what I call friends, huh? Doug & I are like brother & sister. We tease, we annoy, we argue, but we’re still connected & deep down (way down) there’s somewhere a feeling of love and trust. Also at lunch Travis called me from his table. He said something about my hair (I had it in a whole bunch of braids before lunch). His whole table (including Jim, Ray, & Steve) were smiling at me. Ray has never smiled at me since 5th grade. It was nice to see an old familiar face again. Ray’s somewhat cute, but not quite. I mean, I’d really like him if I knew him better. In the halls Richard always smiles at me! Cheese Luweez! That’s what my problem was when we were going out. During school I saw too much of him, he’d always say hi! Ugh. Jaime asked Richard if he’s going to the dance. He doesn’t know yet. Hopefully he is! Jaime & Lianna are sleeping over on the night of the dance. I’m gonna call Doug tomorrow. Have you ever noticed that when I talk about Doug it’s usually poetic? Strange. Sabrina. RKS. I need a new diary soon!! Mouth “Elephant Shoe” it looks like you’re saying I love you. Mouth “I want to vacuum” it looks like you’re saying I want to F_C_ you. Fill in the blanks.”
  Middle school relationships were so volatile that my strategy to secure a boyfriend for the dance was to wait until the day before or the day of the dance to ask someone out... that way they wouldn't have a chance to dump me before the night of romance. And I guess I wouldn't have a chance to lose interest either. So even though I liked Richard again and knew that he'd go back out with me (because someone prank called him-- how awful-- that poor kid-- as if he hadn't been through enough with the whole "Roses Are Red" breakup poem), I decided it'd be better to wait over two weeks before asking him back out. A lot could happen in two weeks! Richard could get another girlfriend. I could end up finding a new crush. Mark and Jenni could break up. Sounds like a risky strategy...
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“1-2-94. Dear Yriad, Oh jeez. Kay. Well, ya see! Um! I like Richard again! Moe told me that at Joanne’s party, Janice Hall called Richard & said she was me. She asked Richard if he’d go back out with me. He said yes! Well, finally he found out it was a joke. But now I know that he’d say yes if I really did ask him back out again! I like him- & Mark. In SWEP I was looking for my folder & Mark came up & started talking to me. He was also looking through the folders. We were the only ones up there & we were talking! Then I found my folder. I said, “Oh I found mine but I couldn’t find yours.” He said, “Oh, I wasn’t looking for mine. It’s at my seat.” Wow! I’m positive that Richard still likes me. Jaime thinks Mark likes me. I don’t know. I think Ryan still likes me. Because I want to be going out with someone at the dance on the 17th, here’s my plan. Wait until the day before or the day of the dance to ask Richard out. If Mark & Jenni break up before that, I might possibly ask Mark out beforehand. That way I’m guaranteed to have a boyfriend for the dance- unless Richard gets a girlfriend. –Krista”
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Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what an 13-year-old boy would want as a gift: a Beanie Baby. Sike. It's not even an argument to say that at that time they were collector's items and some doubled value in a matter of months. It's still just a cute little furry animal stuffed with plastic pellets. Why the heck would he want a Beanie Baby? Trick question. The answer is: he wouldn't want a Beanie Baby. No teenage boy wants a stuffed animal. No teenage boy wants to explain his new pink bear friend to all his Mom. And he especially doesn't want to explain it to his buddies. A Beanie Baby is probably the worst gift idea for an adolescent boy.
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