   Heart-dotted i's! That's how you knew I was REALLY in love. And ohmygosh, can you believe that Richard and I stared at each other for a full 30 seconds? At the time, that was the most romantic event in my life... now it just sounds kind of awkward and creepy.
THE Lianna is actually in town this week and staying with me. I asked her if she remembered the dance in this entry (because I don't). After thinking for a minute or so, her response was, "Um, it was in the gym." All our dances were in the gym. We agreed there were just too many dances in middle school to keep them straight.
Then we found "One Sweet Day" on YouTube and sang the whole song together. We still remembered all the lyrics, knew every single undulation of Mariah Carey's voice, and nailed the key change-- all of which is pretty surprising considering we probably haven't heard that song in 10 years. How could we remember the song so well and yet have no memory of the dance?
As we were singing the song, I realized for the first time EVER that "One Sweet Day"... a song that has such romantic associations in my memory... is about SOMEONE WHO DIED. How the hell did I miss that before? "And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven / Like so many friends we've lost along the way / And I know eventually we'll be together / One sweet day." Not so romantic anymore. Yikes.
So, I asked Lianna, "Whoa, is this song about someone who DIED?" She responded, "Yeah! I think it was about some rapper or something." I said, "No, that was 'I'll Be Missing You'."
Turns out we were both right, kinda. "One Sweet Day" was written for a music producer, a guitarist, and a road manager who passed away and "I'll Be Missing You" was written for Notorious B.I.G. Apparently there were a lot of R&B tribute songs in the 1990's. Unfortunately for the writers of those songs, I instead associate them with tween hormones and awkward middle school slow dances.
---
“1-18-97. Dear Yraid, All I can think about is Richard! He is so cute & sweet! He’s not afraid to ask girls out. Plus, he really likes me! Oh & I really like him too! I think I’ll say yes. Hopefully, we’ll go out & last. Last night Doug & Jaime were really close then they danced. Her head was on his shoulder! Jaime said they kissed! Doug really likes her. She should be happy I told her not to dump him! They’re a really good couple but not as good as me & Richard! When Richard & I were dancing he was really shaking. At one point I felt him pull me closer! But, hey, that’s fine with me! We danced 4 times! Once during the last song, we both looked at each other & smiled. We were looking at each other for like 30 seconds! How romantic! Also at the dance he asked me why I dumped him. I said I didn’t know. I really don’t. I think I’m gonna say yes! I feel bad for Lianna. I need to get Steve to like her but how. Steve already hates me. Oh! I need to some good in this world! Help me. Help her. Lianna & I just figured out that the last song was “One Sweet Day.” Ooh! I have that tape! I can play it for flashbacks. See ya! Krista I love Richard! Lianna loves Steve!”
   Hahahahha. Hahhaha. Hahahhahaha. Please tell me I'm not the only one who is cracking up thinking about seventh graders slow dancing to "I'll Make Love to You". I had never even kissed a boy... hell, I had never even held hands with a boy... and yet I was slow dancing to lyrics like: "Throw your clothes on the floor / I'm gonna take my clothes off too". Ahh... we were too naive to recognize the awkwardness.
Speaking of that song, at some point in 4th or 5th grade, I thought it would be a really good idea to walk around the house with my light pink boombox propped on my shoulder playing the radio at full blast and singing along. I don't know where I picked that up from, but I thought I was the shit. As I jammed my way into the kitchen where my mom was cooking dinner, the chorus of "I'll Make Love to You" was playing and I was singing along at the top of my lungs. My mom turned around from the stove, her face half-skeptical/half-horrified and asked, "Do you even know what that means?" Of course, I said, "pshh-yeah!" But truthfully, I don't think I had a clue.
Hopefully I knew what it meant by seventh grade... but my nonchalance when mentioning the song makes me think otherwise. However, it's possible that I did know the meaning but also thought I was so mature that it wasn't weird for us to be dancing to it. Or maybe it was just another slow song to me, just another opportunity to dance with my crush.
---
“1-17-97. Dear Yraid, Today Melissa walked past as Jaime said to me, “I have something to tell you.” Here’s how the rest went: MS: Jaime, you’re not gonna tell her what I think, right? JC: No. KD: What isn’t she going to tell me? MS: Nothing. (walks away) I run up to her and demand that she tells me. She told me that Richard is going to the dance but he didn’t want me to know, he wanted it to be a surprise! I’ll write back after the dance! Hi, I’m back from the dance. Jaime asked Richard if he’d dance with me. He said yes. So we did to “I’ll Make Love To You”. Then awhile later, Jaime asked him again. He said, “Sure, why not?!” A little while later Richard came up to me and said, “Okay, I need to get something straight. I heard rumors that you want to go back out with me. But I’ve also heard that you don’t. What’s true?” I told him that I wasn’t sure yet. I’d have to think about it more. Then another while later a slow song came on and Richard walked up to me and said, “Wanna dance?” I said sure. So we did again. Then the last song of the night came on and Richard came up to me and this time I said, “Wanna dance?” He said okay. So we did. We kept getting closer & closer. We were REALLY close! Plus, he asked me out! I said maybe. I’ll tell him on Tues. What should I say? I really like him. But my feelings might change! What do I do? –Krista”
  Yes, much better. I consider passing a marker to your crush in front of a bunch of classmates to be an acceptable means of flirtation. Calling names, making faces, pushing, hitting, and bra-snapping are NOT. Those things were temporarily satisfying because it gave you an excuse to talk to or touch your crush... but at the end of the day, you sat in bed frowning and thinking, "I called him a loser and pushed him into a wall- I can't understand why he doesn't like me!"
I still remember the euphoric feeling of passing that marker to Richard. It was so much more thrilling than the other forms of supposed flirting. It used to be cool to pretend like you actually didn't like your crush to his face (while all your friends were telling him the truth). But for once, I was openly admitting it myself. I was making it clear to Richard, my classmates, and even Mr. Jones that I liked Richard and I wasn't afraid to show it. I felt free and giddy and excited. Flirting finally felt right. And it all started with a marker.
---
“1-16-97. Dear Yraid, Today in homeroom Melissa came in & told Jaime that Richard probably can’t go because of a family get-together. But she said he said that he’d beg his dad to let him go. Then in Social Studies Mr. Jones asked the class who was going to the dance. Me & some other people raised their hands. Richard said, “I don’t know, I might go. I have to ask my dad.” Then also in Social Studies, we had to do a paper of map with connecting points. Every person that went up to the overhead & drew a line had to pick the next person. Well, Rachel picked me & I drew my line. Then I had to pick someone else & I gave the marker to Richard! Oooh! I think I was really blushing! Hee-hee! Plus, Richard got a main part in the school play! I’m so happy for him. I didn’t try out cuz I didn’t. Bye!”
   Hm. The phone call from Doug M remains a mystery. I wish I could clue you in on what happened with that, but to be completely honest, I don't remember. No freaking clue. Either I knew at some point and forgot or if it's been a mystery for the past 13 years. It's kind of bothering me. I could probably send Doug M a message on Facebook... but #1- how creepy is that? and #2- chances are, he won't remember either.
So I am totally on Team Richard, how bout you guys? It makes me so proud of middle-school-me when middle-school-me throws the peer pressure to be popular aside and admits and expresses love for the somewhat dorky kid. Obviously I still wasn't 100% convinced that my obvious attraction to Richard should completely outweigh the desire to be popular... as evidenced by the fact that I said I'd like Doug M instead if Doug M liked me... but I was getting close. I'd say... 91%. Maybe.
---
“1-13-97. Dear Yraid, Nothing happened with Doug M today. I asked 8 people what they thought after I told them what happened. 5 said he likes me. 2 said he wants to go out with me. And 1 said he was doing it for a friend. I’m so conflustered! Jaime asked Doug (S.) if Doug (M.) likes me. Doug stood there thinking for awhile & then he said no. Now, if Doug (M.) really didn’t like me, Doug (S.) would have said no real fast. So why was he thinking. Was he wondering whether he should tell Jaime the truth. Or… what? I asked a lot of people if Doug (M.) called them. They all said no. I kinda like Doug (M). I guess it really depends on if he likes me or not. I like Richard more. Richard is so cute. How can I like him? Normally, I’d think he’s a fool. But I really like him. It’s that weird force. Jaime said that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance. He said that he doesn’t know. He usually doesn’t go to dances. I NEED HIM TO GO! I really want to dance with him! I love him! He’s so cute! I love when he pushes his hair back! Oh is that cute! Oh, is he cute! I like him better when he’s serious though. I hate when he’s weird! Oh, he is so cute! God, please make Richard go to the dance! I’ll be so happy if he goes! - Sabrina I love Ricardo! I LOVE RICHARD!”
  It's kind of confusing in the entry, so let me clarify that this phone call was from Doug M who is different than the Doug I frequently crushed on.
Just when I thought I couldn't possibly get any more shallow and judgmental, I come right out and admit that I'd rather go out with Doug M than Richard because "it would make me look better." Nevermind the fact that I don't think I ever mentioned being attracted to Doug M before. But hey, once he showed interest in knowing whether I was going to JAM THE GYM, I suddenly liked him.
Okay, what the heck is JAM THE GYM? I thought it meant the upcoming dance, but I looked it up and January 12, 1997 was a Sunday. The school dance would have never been on a Monday. Maybe it was some sort of pep rally? Or an important basketball game after school? Weird.
---
“1-12-97. Dear Yriad, I got a new diary today. It’s cool! A little after 9:00pm I got a phone call from Doug M. Here’s how the conversation went: ME: Hello? DOUG M: Hi, is Krista home? ME: Ya, this is she. DOUG M: (nervous laughter) Um, this is Doug. ME: Hi. DOUG M: (more nervous laughter) Are you going to Jam the Gym tomorrow? ME: Ya. Why? DOUG M: (pause) Oh, I was just calling everyone I know to make sure they were going. ME: Oh, okay. DOUG M: Bye! ME: Bye! This is a real puzzler. In the background I heard someone laughing. It sounded like Aaron but I’m not sure. #1: Where did Doug get my number? #2: Was he really calling everyone? #3: Why would he call me? I don’t know him all that well. #4: Was this for his information or for someone else’s? If he likes me, I’d go out with him. He’s more popular than Richard, you know, it would make me look better. I kinda like him. Oh! This leaves me with so many questions! It’s frustrating! Like what if he does like me? If he was calling me so someone else would know if I was going- who was that someone else? Who was laughing in the background? Could it be one of Doug’s friends? What mother would let her son be at a friend’s house at 9:00pm? I need some answers here! -Krista”
  I have never heard someone talk so much shit on the person they love. I was so conflicted. I liked Richard. I wanted to like Richard. I wanted to dance and date and hold hands with Richard. But like it or not, middle school life was governed by popularity... and that's what held me back. You can tell that I wanted to date Richard and wanted to tell anyone who questioned it, "Screw popularity!" I wanted to show them the funny and smart and cute Richard I wrote about in my diary-- when I wasn't being influenced by peer pressure to rank his popularity level (apparently zero).
I feel like we've been over this before, but I bet if you had asked anyone else in the school, they would have ranked mine and Richard's popularity the same. I think I realized that but knew that dating Richard wasn't going to help my rank at all. And that's why I was frustrated by my obvious attraction to him.
Well, I'm rooting that attraction wins! Screw popularity!
---
“1-11-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! I talked to Jaime today. She’s not worried about Doug liking Rachel. She knows Rachel will never go back out with him. Actually, I’m not so sure about that. Rachel has mixed feelings about Doug. I think. Jaime told me that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance many times. Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said that he usually doesn’t go to dances. But she said that he said something like, he’d only go if he was going to get to dance with me. I don’t think Jaime’s lying. I hope he goes! I really really like him. But he’s such a geek, dork, moron. Even though I know he’s a dork & he has dorky friends, some really weird force is making me like him. It’s really strange. I really love him & then I think of his popularity rank (zero). But still through it all, that force is making me like him. Ryan still likes me (I think). Jaime made a good point, all the guys who like me are dorks! Doug was making fun of me (he’s a loser). He was saying how I could only get 2 boyfriends, Craig & Richard. Then he made a good point: Craig’s gone out with just about everybody & Richard’s gone out with just about nobody. WHAT DO I DO? –Krista”
  Man I really beat myself up over the state of Doug and Jaime's relationship. It seemed like everyone in 7th grade liked someone other than their current boyfriend or girlfriend after a few days of dating. As we've found out in previous entries, people would break up with girlfriend A in order to immediately start dating girlfriend B the next day... and this would repeat. So it should have come as no surprise that Doug liked someone else. That someone else happened to be Doug's ex-girlfriend from 6th grade, Rachel. So I suppose it's important to note that the middle school rule of revolving door dating wasn't driven necessarily by a desire for variety ("collect 'em all" girlfriends), but more so by, um, indecision? A chance to just F with girls' minds? I honestly have no clue.
But it's not that I just don't understand middle school boys. Hell, I don't really understand middle school girls either. And I certainly don't understand why I felt Doug's infidelity (if you can even call it that) warranted a giant "IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" taking up the space of 10 notebook lines.
I wonder if I was being over-dramatic to try to cover up the fact that maybe I was actually kind of happy that Doug and Jaime were possibly going to break up because I secretly still liked Doug and was jealous that he was dating my best friend. Also, maybe I was extra torn up about it because Doug STILL didn't like me. And perhaps I was upset too because I felt like even if Doug and I did date one day, he could do the same thing to me too.
I honestly have no clue and don't remember the situation very well myself. Hm.
P.S. See that little pink dude in the bottom right-hand corner of the page? You'll see him on every other page from here until the end of the diary. I drew him as one of those things that when you flip though the pages, he animates! Clever.
---
“1-10-97. Dear Yraid, I am so pissed at Doug. I called him today for a conversation. Well, he was playing “I’ll Make Love To You” in the background. He was also making a rocket & gluing his fingers to a plastic bag. He said he kinda likes Rachel! Of all people! Plus he’s going out with Jaime. I started crying when I got off the phone. I’m crying now. I guess it’s because I’ve known & trusted Doug for such a long time & now he’s betrayed one of my 2 best friends. I called Jaime. We were both crying. I feel so bad for her. I just wanted to hug her. This is going to be the worst weekend for both of us! WHY? Boys are dogs. I hate Doug! I’ve trusted him. I trusted him with a very good friend. He’s broken her heart. I am very disappointed in him. It’s all my fault. If I wouldn’t have hooked them up then this would never had happened! IT’S ALL MY FAULT! I’m so sorry Jaime. You should hate me now. Please don’t hate me! I’m so sorry. I seem to do everything wrong. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. –Krista”
|
Heart-dotted i's! That's how you knew I was REALLY in love. And ohmygosh, can you believe that Richard and I stared at each other for a full 30 seconds? At the time, that was the most romantic event in my life... now it just sounds kind of awkward and creepy.
Posts
