Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said...

I have never heard someone talk so much shit on the person they love. I was so conflicted. I liked Richard. I wanted to like Richard. I wanted to dance and date and hold hands with Richard. But like it or not, middle school life was governed by popularity... and that's what held me back. You can tell that I wanted to date Richard and wanted to tell anyone who questioned it, "Screw popularity!" I wanted to show them the funny and smart and cute Richard I wrote about in my diary-- when I wasn't being influenced by peer pressure to rank his popularity level (apparently zero).

I feel like we've been over this before, but I bet if you had asked anyone else in the school, they would have ranked mine and Richard's popularity the same. I think I realized that but knew that dating Richard wasn't going to help my rank at all. And that's why I was frustrated by my obvious attraction to him.

Well, I'm rooting that attraction wins! Screw popularity!

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“1-11-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! I talked to Jaime today. She’s not worried about Doug liking Rachel. She knows Rachel will never go back out with him. Actually, I’m not so sure about that. Rachel has mixed feelings about Doug. I think. Jaime told me that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance many times. Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said that he usually doesn’t go to dances. But she said that he said something like, he’d only go if he was going to get to dance with me. I don’t think Jaime’s lying. I hope he goes! I really really like him. But he’s such a geek, dork, moron. Even though I know he’s a dork & he has dorky friends, some really weird force is making me like him. It’s really strange. I really love him & then I think of his popularity rank (zero). But still through it all, that force is making me like him. Ryan still likes me (I think). Jaime made a good point, all the guys who like me are dorks! Doug was making fun of me (he’s a loser). He was saying how I could only get 2 boyfriends, Craig & Richard. Then he made a good point: Craig’s gone out with just about everybody & Richard’s gone out with just about nobody. WHAT DO I DO? –Krista”

Strategy

Middle school relationships were so volatile that my strategy to secure a boyfriend for the dance was to wait until the day before or the day of the dance to ask someone out... that way they wouldn't have a chance to dump me before the night of romance. And I guess I wouldn't have a chance to lose interest either. So even though I liked Richard again and knew that he'd go back out with me (because someone prank called him-- how awful-- that poor kid-- as if he hadn't been through enough with the whole "Roses Are Red" breakup poem), I decided it'd be better to wait over two weeks before asking him back out. A lot could happen in two weeks! Richard could get another girlfriend. I could end up finding a new crush. Mark and Jenni could break up. Sounds like a risky strategy...

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“1-2-94. Dear Yriad, Oh jeez. Kay. Well, ya see! Um! I like Richard again! Moe told me that at Joanne’s party, Janice Hall called Richard & said she was me. She asked Richard if he’d go back out with me. He said yes! Well, finally he found out it was a joke. But now I know that he’d say yes if I really did ask him back out again! I like him- & Mark. In SWEP I was looking for my folder & Mark came up & started talking to me. He was also looking through the folders. We were the only ones up there & we were talking! Then I found my folder. I said, “Oh I found mine but I couldn’t find yours.” He said, “Oh, I wasn’t looking for mine. It’s at my seat.” Wow! I’m positive that Richard still likes me. Jaime thinks Mark likes me. I don’t know. I think Ryan still likes me. Because I want to be going out with someone at the dance on the 17th, here’s my plan. Wait until the day before or the day of the dance to ask Richard out. If Mark & Jenni break up before that, I might possibly ask Mark out beforehand. That way I’m guaranteed to have a boyfriend for the dance- unless Richard gets a girlfriend. –Krista”

My Life is Like a Puzzle

Last time, my life was "so confused" and now it's "so deformed." Haha what interesting words to describe LIFE.

So let's get this straight:

• Even though Mike is really immature and dating him could hurt my 'rep', now I like him... mostly because he offered to dance with me when I cried over Craig.
• But Kara likes Mike too... and he danced with her to stop her from crying too.
• AND Mike is currently going out with Rachel but is breaking up with her soon.

Where the hell was Rachel during all of this???

Poor Ryan. He liked me so much and I was so mean to him. I was far meaner to him than Doug or any of my other crushes were to me. It probably took him half the dance just to get the courage to ask me and then when he did, I always turned him down. One time when he nervously asked me to dance, I ran away, arms flailing, claiming I was a lesbian. Back then, homosexuality was a new and mostly foreign concept to me... "No! I'm a lesbian!" was about as reasonable of an excuse as "No! I'm a Jehovah's Witness!" or "No! I have Restless Leg Syndrome!" (meaning I could somehow tie my minimal knowledge on any of these things to a reason why I couldn't dance with a guy).

I wonder if I ever wrote him that note. I wonder if he ever knew how bad I felt afterward or how guilty I still feel to this day. I'm glad I'm not as big of a bitch anymore. At least I don't think I am?

Of course, I can't end this entry without calling attention to my "really depressful weekend" comment. Haha.

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“11-23-96 Dear Yraid, My birthday party wuz fun but I’ll tell you about that later. DANCE. Worst dance in history! I cried over Craig when ‘I Swear’ came on. Then Mike asked me what was wrong. I said nothing but then he wanted to dance with me (so I’d feel better) before I could say yes, the song was over. Then Kara was crying. Kara likes Mike & Mike danced with her so she wouldn’t cry. Mike was hanging around me for the rest of the dance. He was showing off for me! Does he like me? Well, at that moment, I realized I like Mike. He’s dumping Rachel. I want to go out with Mike! I really like him! Most people think he’s really immature & sometimes he can be. But I found at the dance the other side of Mike. The sweet, considerate side. He’s totally different when he’s not around Jessie. See, if I go out with him, a lot of people will think I’m stupid. Kara will be mad at me & Rachel might be mad at me. I really like him but will it hurt my rep? I know he’s not bad, but most people think he’s a jerk. I’d be much better off with Craig, Ray (if I liked him), or even Doug (if I liked him). I still like Craig a little though. My life is so deformed. It’s a puzzle, just the pieces are scattered. Most of them shaped like a broken heart, my broken heart. I need some reason, sense, I need to be led down the right path. God can you help me? I’m just really confused & I believe this is going to be a really depressful weekend. Something that also ruined the dance was Ryan asked me to dance. I refused. I must have made him feel like shit. I’m crying! I never meant for this to happen! I promise that I will dance with him at the next dance. I have to write him an apology letter. I’m going to. –Krista I HEART MIKE & CRAIG!”

I LOVE having a boyfriend!

Craig had such a way with words. "If you were dead, that would not be good" is pretty much the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. Every girl lives to hear a guy say that to her one day.

I don't think I ever mentioned Ryan before this entry. That's because I didn't like him back, so he was of little concern to me. Instead I pursued a handful of other guys who didn't like me. So backwards.

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“November 1, 1996 Dear Yraid, I LOVE having a boyfriend! It makes me feel special, appreciated and loved. Craig called me. I got his address & phone #. He has both of mine too. For awhile it was me, Craig & Doug talking 3-way. Cool! Me & 2 guys! Awesome. Me, Craig, Jaime, & Doug might go see Romeo & Juliet at Tinseltown tomorrow! Cool! Ahhhh! When I was on the phone with Craig, we were talking about me dying or something. Craig said, “If you were dead, that would not be good, not good at all.” He repeated that about 3 times. He really does like me! He knows just the way a girl wants to be treated and exactly what they want to hear. Today me, Craig, Jaime, Doug, & Lianna sat at a lunch table together. Cool! I’ve gotta go! Krista P.S. I know for sure that Ryan likes me because he admitted it twice! I heart Craig!”