   I'm seriously having a problem understanding the adolescent mind. You'd think after reading all these diary entries, I'd be better able to appreciate the emotions and predict the actions. Nope. Apparently when it comes to girls in early adolescence, there is no understanding... there is no predicting.
Wasn't I JUST in love with Richard? Just a week earlier I was saying how cute and sweet he was. Clearly ripping him to pieces as I did in the past couple diary entries was some sort of weird defense mechanism. Not sure what I was defending myself against... but I know I didn't really feel that way.
Other things to address:
1. "Un-Rogaine"... Richard's thick hair became the object of my aggression. Why???
2. "Crimeny!"... Where the heck did this word come from? Or rather, where did it go? I haven't heard it in ages. TO THE GOOGLE! First off, I guess it's more commonly spelled "criminy". Weird. I don't like the way that looks. Secondly, YES! I love when researching old diary entries leads me to uncover other relics of the time! Turns out "criminy" was often said by Helga on the Nickelodeon cartoon Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold first aired in October of 1996, so that is without a doubt where I picked it up. Mystery solved.
3. "Your Mom"... What a great all-purpose insult this was for awhile there. I still hear it jokingly from time to time but man was it rampant in middle school. Yo Momma jokes were HILARIOUS back then. Most of the ones we used to laugh at are super-lame ("Your momma's so fat when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house"), but if you haven't heard Yo Momma jokes in a long time, I encourage you to google it because there are a ton of smart and funny ones I had never heard. Yes, lots are still lame... but I was happy to come across these...
Harry Potter:
"Your mama's so fat, the Sorting Hat sorted her into the House of Pancakes."
Nerdy:
"Select * FROM Table.YoMamma
........................................
........................................
........................................
Server Timed Out"
Literature (from Act I Scene 1 of Timon of Athens):
Painter: "Y'are a dog."
Apemantus: "Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"
I bet you didn't know Shakespeare "invented" the Yo Momma joke!---
“3-4-97. Dear Diary, I did dump Richard! I’m so happy! I feel so free. I feel like a new person! I love it! Ahh! Richard still likes me, a lot. He wrote me a note saying that we can still be friends & he’s not mad at me. At the bottom of the note, it said- I love you. I feel so bad. But I don’t care, I’m NOT asking him back out- EVER! Ugh! He is so ugly. Like I’ve said before- he needs un-Rogaine. I wonder who I’ll like next. Hmm. Jaime & Kara say that Rob & I should go out. You think? Nah. It would never happen. In SWEP, the strangest thing happened. I was talking to Doug. Suddenly he stepped forward so we were almost touching. He was looking down at me & I was looking up at him. My God! It looked like he was about to kiss me! Crimeny! You don’t know how close we were! I’ve never stood by him that close face to face. Anyhow, we stood there for awhile just looking at each other & then I said, “I could beat you up!” He said, “Ya sure, your Mom.” And then we both walked off in different directions. Do you think I’ll like Doug again? I don’t know. Mom thinks he’s cute. I didn’t ask her- she told me. I think Doug & I would be better of as just friends. But hey, you never know! -Krista”
   So many great things in this entry!
First of all, I was happy and relieved to learn the "real" reason Craig broke up with me. Unfortunately, I think I interpreted it a *little* wrong. Apparently he didn't necessarily break up with me because he didn't like me... that much IS true. However, I thought he broke up with me because he could never see me outside of school. Sounds innocent enough. After all, he did say, "I couldn't see her out of school ever and that's why I dumped her." So literally, yes, it does sound that way. However, I didn't take what Mark asked into consideration. "How far did you get with Krista?" Craig's answer? "Nowhere [...], that's why I dumped her." Oops. So in fact, he actually dumped me because we could never make out or do whatever else unsupervised 13-year-olds do. Not so reassuring now, huh? Poor little naive me.
And while I didn't read far enough into Craig's answer to Mark's question, I read WAY too far into Richard's "lights are out" comment. Seriously unnecessary.
The most exciting thing of my LIFETIME was walking between two boys. Need I remind you, I didn't even have to DO anything to get the attention! And how cocky I was about it! When I read the first, "I was so cool!", I was sure I missed a letter and meant to write, "IT was so cool!" But then two sentences later, I wrote, "I was so awesome!" What are the chances I wrote it wrong twice? Oh sigh. I really have nothing else to say on the matter.
All this amazing excitement led me to conclude I was GOING TO LOVE BEING A TEENAGER! So full of hope. So wrong.--- “2-14-97. Dear Diary, I just remembered this: one day in Math (not too long ago) Mark was talking to Craig. Mark said, ‘Craig how far did you get with Krista?’ He said, ‘Nowhere. I couldn’t see her out of school ever & that’s why I dumped her.’ I felt a whole lot better about things! I thought he dumped me because he didn’t like me anymore! He’s a butt, though! On the note Richard wrote me on Tuesday the last note he’s written so far. It says, ‘lights are out!’ I had no clue to what he meant by that & still don’t. Jaime thinks that his mom came in & said, ‘Richard, hunny, it’s time for bed!’ & turned out the lights. But Monica thought that maybe he meant that the relationship is over! I sure hope that’s not what he meant because I love him! A lot! I don’t think that’s what he meant because he wrote also: P.S. WBS, I luv ya! And a heart. Plus, I’m pretty sure he still loves me! I HOPE HE CAN GO TO THE DANCE! On the way out of school yesterday Doug walked up & said something to Richard (I forget what). But then instead of walking next to Richard, he walked next to me! So I was walking in between 2 boys, one I like now & one I used to like! You should have seen it! I was so cool! I mean, attention from 2 boys when I didn’t even do anything! I was so awesome! I think I’m going to love being a teenager! -Krista AKA Sabrina.”
   Yes, I wrote outlines in my diary. Not very good ones either. In my defense, I was probably just learning. My mom used to punish me by making me outline chapters of my textbooks. I guess that's what you get when your mom has a Masters in English. There are worse ways a parent could punish their child.
The swearing in this entry is a little intense. I'm not sure what my problem was with Monica. I remember us being good friends and don't remember ever feeling so negatively toward her. Geez. I wish we had more details on that. It was probably a good story!“2-12-97. Dear Diary, Richard didn’t give me a note today. He said he had too much stuff to do. Today at lunch I saw Doug hand in 3 candy grams. Because he was near me, I walked over to him & asked him who they were to. The 1st name he said was me & then he started naming off every other girl in the cafeteria. Then back in the company are, Doug came up to me & said, ‘Do you really want to know who I sent them to?’ I said ya. Here’s how it went: Doug: Okay, I sent one to Rachel. Me: Why? Doug: Because I want to go back out with her. Me: Don’t even try because she will never go back out with you! Doug: Um, good cause I was lying. And I sent one to you that says ‘Fuck you, you’re a bitch.” And I sent one to Teri that said the same. Me: Oh, ya, whatever. Well, 1) if he really wrote Fuck you you’re a bitch, they wouldn’t send it cuz they look at all of them. So: a) He wrote me one & I won’t get it. b) He wrote me one, but was lying about what he wrote in it. c) Or, he didn’t write one at all. 2) He might possibly be lying that he wrote me one, but I doubt it. I think he really wrote one to me. Why? Because I know he likes Rachel. And I know he’d write one to Teri cuz they’re friends. I hope he wrote me one! Why? I’m not quite sure, I just hope he does. I wrote him one, but I wrote it as a joke. I wrote it like ‘I love you’ & stuff from a secret admirer. I HOPE HE REALLY DID WRITE ONE! Now, what do I get Richard? He’s giving me my gift on Tues, therefore I have awhile to get him something. BUT WHAT? Monica’s a bitch. She’s so damn fat & annoying. Ugh! She is so bossy! I really hate her guts! -Krista”
   Did I really think I was being a good girlfriend? I would buy Richard a Candi-Gram "if I remembered." I imagined a time in the future when Richard and I were "done with our relationship". I don't think anyone was expecting to marry their middle school boyfriend, but it's funny to see it addressed so plainly. What was the point?
I like how I just casually mentioned I had safety goggles from Erie Plating as if I went there every day. Actually, if I remember correctly, I was somehow chosen to "shadow" someone at Erie Plating with a 3 or 4 other students. I feel like whoever we shadowed was a pretty intelligent chemist or something... but I was not interested. Here's what I do remember...
- Free safety goggles
- Dipping a quarter in some kind of liquid to plate it... that was pretty cool
- Learning that AC-DC can mean "bisexual." A piece of equipment had a voltage label for AC & DC and one of the boys on the tour told me the slang.
Unfortunately, it seems "AC-DC" is the only thing I learned that day. At least I learned something?
“2-6-97. Dear Diary, Richard didn’t give me a note today. I don’t really know why, but I don’t really care. He put a Happy Ad on announcements for me. The whole school saw it! It said, ‘To: Krista. I’m thinking of you! Love, Richard.’ He told me that he’s putting another one on for me tomorrow! I think that’s really sweet! He also is giving me a Candi-gram! I’m gonna buy him one tomorrow if I remember. Before I went into Social Studies, Doug stopped me & gave me a broken pencil. He said, ‘Here’s a little present!’ Then Teri said, ‘Yeah Krista, it’s his Valentines Day present to you!’ What was that supposed to mean? I’m not quite sure. Then, I was walking out of school with Richard & Doug was walking next to me but with his friends. He didn’t know I was there until I pushed him. Then he looked at me & said, ‘Oh, hi!’ Then I put on my safety goggles I got from Erie Plating today. Then Doug said, ‘Oh, cool! Where’d you get those?’ I told him & then he asked me if he could wear them. I said, ‘Sure!’ & gave them to him. Then he put them on & started running around the lobby with them on. I practically had to strangle him to get them back! I think we’re just friends. But when Richard & I are done with our relationship & if Doug wants to go out with me, I’d probably say yes. But for now, we’re just friends. Gotta go! Krista I love Richard. P.S. KC said that Richard’s getting me a rose for Valentine’s Day.”
   Back then, I thought Richard was annoying because he gave me too much attention and said he loved me too much. Sounds weird and backwards because shouldn't someone want love and attention in a relationship?Obviously the answer is yes... but that love usually grows over a period of months and years. In this case, Richard and I had only been dating for two weeks... and the "I love you"s started almost immediately. Even though I never said it and I'm not sure I even actually realized it, I think the real problem was that we just didn't have anything in common. Or rather, that we didn't even know if we had anything in common because we never took the time to find out! One day we were classmates, the next day we were going out and saying "I love you." We didn't know any better. We just thought that's what people in relationships do. Any time we talked or wrote notes to each other... it was nothing of substance. "What's your cat's name?" "What's your favorite radio station?" Let's be honest, we didn't even spend that much time together. I don't think we talked on the phone much and when we saw each other in school, it was during class, so we didn't really hang out. We quickly passed notes in the hallway and that was about the extent of our communication.I think what I was realizing, but didn't know I was realizing, was that there was no way we could actually love each other and the whole thing just felt like an act. I was too immature to confront it... so instead I just complained about it and called him annoying. Let's see how much longer this lasts...
---
“2-4-97. Dear Diary, Joanne told me that her brother is always talking about me. She says he’s obsessing over me. Before SWEP, Doug & I were standing outside the door. We were reading my note from Richard. Because we were both looking at it, we were standing shoulder to shoulder. Then after SWEP we were walking together to our next class. Again shoulder to shoulder! (Sorry Richard) We’re just friends. But like I’ve said before, I can very well see me & Doug going out in a few years. In Science I asked Craig if I could wear his hat (it was a Cat in the Hat type hat, it was Hat Day). He did that kind of moan that he did when I asked him out at one of the dances. I begged. And he let me! He let me wear it all through Math too! We’re friends. Back to the subject of Richard. Here’s the notes highlights: (Monica has this book & in it, it has a part titled ‘Stereotypes for Common Names.’ My name wasn’t in it. But Richard’s was. His name is stereotyped as ‘very good looking.’ I told him that.) A whole paragraph from his note was: About that stereotyped names thing. I think your name should be in that section of the book. And stereotyped as ‘Very beautiful & #1 on any Good Looking System that anyone made up.’ Because you are beautiful and very good looking. He also wrote Love you very MUCH!! Excuse me but he’s getting a little to into it. He’s really pissing me off! Why does he have to say he loves me every day? I don’t understand! I wish he could just write normal notes! HELP ME! -Krista I think I love Richard”
   I already addressed the scandalousness of "Nobody". But in case you've forgotten and because the chorus the girl sings is slightly different than the chorus Keith sings that I posted before... here are some of the lyrics I sang (assuming I actually knew the lyrics):And who can love you like me
Who can sex you like me
Who can lay your body down
Nobody, baby
And who can treat you like me
Who can give you what you need
And who can do you all night long
Nobody, baby
I think the weirdest part of all this is that Chris and I were singing this sexy song in his mother's car WHILE HIS MOTHER WAS DRIVING. I made it clear in the diary entry that it was not funny at the time... we weren't joking around like "haha it's so funny we're singing this totally inappropriate song"... we were serious. I obviously didn't have a problem with it then but ew ew EW it is creeping me out now just thinking about it. I'm so embarassed.
Wait wait... possibly weirder is that we were two hormone-filled teenagers casually singing a song about sex on the way home from RELIGIOUS ED. ---
“2-2-97. Dear Diary, Nothing much happened today, really. I forgot to tell you, Richard dropped out of the play! He said something else he was doing was conflicting with practices. Anthony told me that Richard has an electric guitar! Cool! Today I carpooled with Chris J to & from CCD. On the way there, like usual we were both singing to the songs. But on the way home ‘Nobody’ by Keith Sweat came on. It was so funny because he sang all of the male parts of the song & I sang the female! It was so funny (but it wasn’t funny then). Then when I was getting out of the car to go inside my house afterwards, Chris said, ‘See ya!’! That’s funny because that’s what Richard usually says to me. And see ya is short for see ya later! When we were walking to the car, we were pretty close together. People who saw us probably thought 1 of 2 things. They either thought, ‘They’re brother & sister’ or they thought, ‘They’re going out!’ Kasey told me that I should go out with him. I would but I don’t think he’d go out with me! He’s kinda cute. Mom & Kasey & Monica all say that Doug & I would make a good couple. Monica keeps saying, ‘I think you & Doug would make the best & cutest couple!’ I’m sorry to say that buy I agree. I mean put our pictures side by side and it just looks ‘right.’ I don’t like him, at all. But, somewhere down the line, in a few years, I can very well see us going out. But for now, I’m not looking forward to it! -Krista I LOVE RICHARD!”
   This is one of the diary entries that make me glad I kept a diary as a kid. It captures the first time someone said I was beautiful... the first time, in an age of adolescent awkwardness, that I actually felt beautiful.
Of course, it was hard to believe that anyone dressed in my mid-90's wardrobe of purposely inside-out sweatshirts and overalls (only one strap attached) would be beautiful. So of course I was surprised and somewhat skeptical, but it was a start.
Middle school marked the beginning of popularity wars and the subsequent introduction of insecurities... so this small comment made by Richard meant a lot to me. It's possible that maybe I really was just dating him "for the words he wrote"... but perhaps he was dating me for the same reason. I see nothing wrong with two pre-teens building up each other's confidence... that's exactly what they need at that time in their life... well, that is, until the inevitable breakup... Hm. On second thought, maybe kids should find other ways to gain confidence.
---
“1-28-97. Dear Diary. Today I gave Richard a note that had my school picture in it. In my note I asked if he thought I looked stupid. Anyhow, this morning Richard gave me a note. Highlights: He wrote that there’s really no point to the letter. He was just thinking of me. And he’ll still be (he wrote that). This note had a big heart at the bottom & it ended with Love Richard! Then he gave me another note before 6th period. Highlights: A whole paragraph, in his words: “Of course you don’t look stupid in your picture. You look beautiful.” He said I was beautiful! No one other than family has called me beautiful. And I never really thought I was! Richard wrote me a note in my file server on the computer. I didn’t see it yet. But Jaime told me it says “I love you” in it! Here are our old seats for Language Arts. Now it’s: I SIT BY RICHARD! Know what? I’m starting to think I only like Richard for the words he writes. But then, maybe I’m wrong. Ya! I’m wrong, totally wrong. Doug called to tell me to call Jaime & tell her he doesn’t want to go out with her anymore. So I did. Jaime was really sad at first. But she isn’t anymore cause she doesn’t like him anymore. She likes Mike. The bad thing is… I wrote a note in his file server that said: Jaime & Doug sitting in a tree… etc.! Anyhow, Doug called me back for no reason just to talk. He calls me ‘Bob’. Why? I don’t quite know. Mom thinks he likes me! He’s okay. Mom thinks he’s cute. I don’t even want to think about liking him! After liking him for 3 consecutive years – I’m done! – Krista”
   "I think this next relationship with Richard is just the start of more award-winning boyfriends in my future."I love it. As much as I LOVED Richard and even went so far as to allude to him being my 'husband', middle school relationships were so disposable that I knew no matter how much I was crushing on Richard at that moment, it would have been unrealistic to expect him to be the person I'd be with for the rest of my life. Maybe just for the rest of that week, month, or school year-- until a newer, better crush came along. After all, Richard did only make me feel dreamy "most of the time." Certainly there'd be a boy out there that made me feel "dreamy" 100% of the time. But "award-winning"?... hahaha.
This stuff with Doug is just ridiculous. It annoys me that that I seriously thought that sharing a pop meant more than just sharing a pop. Sad thing is, I knew girls in college who still thought that way. So annoying. "Andy asked to borrow my Sociology book tonight because he didn't buy it... he was totally flirting with me!!" "I was in the pasta line in the cafeteria and Paul reached around me to get the asiago and said 'Excuse me'!... do you think he likes me!?" Ugh. Zero tolerance for that crap. Unfortunately, in middle school, I WAS that crap.
And I had a terrible sense of humor when it came to "dick" jokes... if you can even call it that. Just immature all around, really. I want to slap my middle-school self and say "grow up!"---
“ALSO 1-18-97. Hello again Yraid, Thinking of Friday night gives me the chills. It was so perfect! When Richard asked me out, most of my friends were around me. They kept saying in my ear, “Say yes!” Maybe I should’ve. Oh well. I have to wait until Tuesday. Oh!! I can still feel his hands on my waist. I wish I could relive last night! I’d do everything the same. I just want Richard again. I LOVE RICHARD! I keep having so many flashbacks of the dance. It was just too wonderful. I loved it! I’m most likely going to say yes to Richard. I know for a fact that he likes me. I wasn’t quite sure Craig liked me at all. I think this next relationship with Richard is just the start of more award-winning boyfriends in my future. I feel so dreamy! That’s how Richard makes me feel, most of the time. At the dance, Jaime & I were sitting drinking pop at a table. Doug & Danny sat down. I had already drank out of my pop can & Doug asked me if he could have a sip. I let him. After he drank a little he gave the can to me & I took a sip. That’s how good of friends we are. We’re like brother & sister totally. So, that would make me Jaime’s sister-in-law in a round-about way. Cool! Now we’re one big happy family. With a soon-to-be new person. My ‘husband’ Dick, that’s sick, I meant to say Richard. We’ll I’ve gotta go dream about Richard! -Krista I LOVE RICHARD!”
   Heart-dotted i's! That's how you knew I was REALLY in love. And ohmygosh, can you believe that Richard and I stared at each other for a full 30 seconds? At the time, that was the most romantic event in my life... now it just sounds kind of awkward and creepy.
THE Lianna is actually in town this week and staying with me. I asked her if she remembered the dance in this entry (because I don't). After thinking for a minute or so, her response was, "Um, it was in the gym." All our dances were in the gym. We agreed there were just too many dances in middle school to keep them straight.
Then we found "One Sweet Day" on YouTube and sang the whole song together. We still remembered all the lyrics, knew every single undulation of Mariah Carey's voice, and nailed the key change-- all of which is pretty surprising considering we probably haven't heard that song in 10 years. How could we remember the song so well and yet have no memory of the dance?
As we were singing the song, I realized for the first time EVER that "One Sweet Day"... a song that has such romantic associations in my memory... is about SOMEONE WHO DIED. How the hell did I miss that before? "And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven / Like so many friends we've lost along the way / And I know eventually we'll be together / One sweet day." Not so romantic anymore. Yikes.
So, I asked Lianna, "Whoa, is this song about someone who DIED?" She responded, "Yeah! I think it was about some rapper or something." I said, "No, that was 'I'll Be Missing You'."
Turns out we were both right, kinda. "One Sweet Day" was written for a music producer, a guitarist, and a road manager who passed away and "I'll Be Missing You" was written for Notorious B.I.G. Apparently there were a lot of R&B tribute songs in the 1990's. Unfortunately for the writers of those songs, I instead associate them with tween hormones and awkward middle school slow dances.
---
“1-18-97. Dear Yraid, All I can think about is Richard! He is so cute & sweet! He’s not afraid to ask girls out. Plus, he really likes me! Oh & I really like him too! I think I’ll say yes. Hopefully, we’ll go out & last. Last night Doug & Jaime were really close then they danced. Her head was on his shoulder! Jaime said they kissed! Doug really likes her. She should be happy I told her not to dump him! They’re a really good couple but not as good as me & Richard! When Richard & I were dancing he was really shaking. At one point I felt him pull me closer! But, hey, that’s fine with me! We danced 4 times! Once during the last song, we both looked at each other & smiled. We were looking at each other for like 30 seconds! How romantic! Also at the dance he asked me why I dumped him. I said I didn’t know. I really don’t. I think I’m gonna say yes! I feel bad for Lianna. I need to get Steve to like her but how. Steve already hates me. Oh! I need to some good in this world! Help me. Help her. Lianna & I just figured out that the last song was “One Sweet Day.” Ooh! I have that tape! I can play it for flashbacks. See ya! Krista I love Richard! Lianna loves Steve!”
   Hm. The phone call from Doug M remains a mystery. I wish I could clue you in on what happened with that, but to be completely honest, I don't remember. No freaking clue. Either I knew at some point and forgot or if it's been a mystery for the past 13 years. It's kind of bothering me. I could probably send Doug M a message on Facebook... but #1- how creepy is that? and #2- chances are, he won't remember either.
So I am totally on Team Richard, how bout you guys? It makes me so proud of middle-school-me when middle-school-me throws the peer pressure to be popular aside and admits and expresses love for the somewhat dorky kid. Obviously I still wasn't 100% convinced that my obvious attraction to Richard should completely outweigh the desire to be popular... as evidenced by the fact that I said I'd like Doug M instead if Doug M liked me... but I was getting close. I'd say... 91%. Maybe.
---
“1-13-97. Dear Yraid, Nothing happened with Doug M today. I asked 8 people what they thought after I told them what happened. 5 said he likes me. 2 said he wants to go out with me. And 1 said he was doing it for a friend. I’m so conflustered! Jaime asked Doug (S.) if Doug (M.) likes me. Doug stood there thinking for awhile & then he said no. Now, if Doug (M.) really didn’t like me, Doug (S.) would have said no real fast. So why was he thinking. Was he wondering whether he should tell Jaime the truth. Or… what? I asked a lot of people if Doug (M.) called them. They all said no. I kinda like Doug (M). I guess it really depends on if he likes me or not. I like Richard more. Richard is so cute. How can I like him? Normally, I’d think he’s a fool. But I really like him. It’s that weird force. Jaime said that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance. He said that he doesn’t know. He usually doesn’t go to dances. I NEED HIM TO GO! I really want to dance with him! I love him! He’s so cute! I love when he pushes his hair back! Oh is that cute! Oh, is he cute! I like him better when he’s serious though. I hate when he’s weird! Oh, he is so cute! God, please make Richard go to the dance! I’ll be so happy if he goes! - Sabrina I love Ricardo! I LOVE RICHARD!”
  I have never heard someone talk so much shit on the person they love. I was so conflicted. I liked Richard. I wanted to like Richard. I wanted to dance and date and hold hands with Richard. But like it or not, middle school life was governed by popularity... and that's what held me back. You can tell that I wanted to date Richard and wanted to tell anyone who questioned it, "Screw popularity!" I wanted to show them the funny and smart and cute Richard I wrote about in my diary-- when I wasn't being influenced by peer pressure to rank his popularity level (apparently zero).
I feel like we've been over this before, but I bet if you had asked anyone else in the school, they would have ranked mine and Richard's popularity the same. I think I realized that but knew that dating Richard wasn't going to help my rank at all. And that's why I was frustrated by my obvious attraction to him.
Well, I'm rooting that attraction wins! Screw popularity!
---
“1-11-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! I talked to Jaime today. She’s not worried about Doug liking Rachel. She knows Rachel will never go back out with him. Actually, I’m not so sure about that. Rachel has mixed feelings about Doug. I think. Jaime told me that Melissa asked Richard if he was going to the dance many times. Jaime said that Melissa said that Richard said that he usually doesn’t go to dances. But she said that he said something like, he’d only go if he was going to get to dance with me. I don’t think Jaime’s lying. I hope he goes! I really really like him. But he’s such a geek, dork, moron. Even though I know he’s a dork & he has dorky friends, some really weird force is making me like him. It’s really strange. I really love him & then I think of his popularity rank (zero). But still through it all, that force is making me like him. Ryan still likes me (I think). Jaime made a good point, all the guys who like me are dorks! Doug was making fun of me (he’s a loser). He was saying how I could only get 2 boyfriends, Craig & Richard. Then he made a good point: Craig’s gone out with just about everybody & Richard’s gone out with just about nobody. WHAT DO I DO? –Krista”
  Man I really beat myself up over the state of Doug and Jaime's relationship. It seemed like everyone in 7th grade liked someone other than their current boyfriend or girlfriend after a few days of dating. As we've found out in previous entries, people would break up with girlfriend A in order to immediately start dating girlfriend B the next day... and this would repeat. So it should have come as no surprise that Doug liked someone else. That someone else happened to be Doug's ex-girlfriend from 6th grade, Rachel. So I suppose it's important to note that the middle school rule of revolving door dating wasn't driven necessarily by a desire for variety ("collect 'em all" girlfriends), but more so by, um, indecision? A chance to just F with girls' minds? I honestly have no clue.
But it's not that I just don't understand middle school boys. Hell, I don't really understand middle school girls either. And I certainly don't understand why I felt Doug's infidelity (if you can even call it that) warranted a giant "IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" taking up the space of 10 notebook lines.
I wonder if I was being over-dramatic to try to cover up the fact that maybe I was actually kind of happy that Doug and Jaime were possibly going to break up because I secretly still liked Doug and was jealous that he was dating my best friend. Also, maybe I was extra torn up about it because Doug STILL didn't like me. And perhaps I was upset too because I felt like even if Doug and I did date one day, he could do the same thing to me too.
I honestly have no clue and don't remember the situation very well myself. Hm.
P.S. See that little pink dude in the bottom right-hand corner of the page? You'll see him on every other page from here until the end of the diary. I drew him as one of those things that when you flip though the pages, he animates! Clever.
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“1-10-97. Dear Yraid, I am so pissed at Doug. I called him today for a conversation. Well, he was playing “I’ll Make Love To You” in the background. He was also making a rocket & gluing his fingers to a plastic bag. He said he kinda likes Rachel! Of all people! Plus he’s going out with Jaime. I started crying when I got off the phone. I’m crying now. I guess it’s because I’ve known & trusted Doug for such a long time & now he’s betrayed one of my 2 best friends. I called Jaime. We were both crying. I feel so bad for her. I just wanted to hug her. This is going to be the worst weekend for both of us! WHY? Boys are dogs. I hate Doug! I’ve trusted him. I trusted him with a very good friend. He’s broken her heart. I am very disappointed in him. It’s all my fault. If I wouldn’t have hooked them up then this would never had happened! IT’S ALL MY FAULT! I’m so sorry Jaime. You should hate me now. Please don’t hate me! I’m so sorry. I seem to do everything wrong. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. –Krista”
Hi friends! Oh my gosh I am so sorry it's been almost a whole MONTH since I last posted! I was on vacation in St. Maarten with my Mom, sister, and sister-in-law during the second week of March and I spent the week before that preparing and packing and the week after that recovering (although I still haven't finished unpacking). Hm.Well anyhow, at least I'm coming back with a good entry!!   In this entry, I reveal that one of the reasons I broke up with Richard is because he used to say "hi" to me too often in the hallways at school. And my desired behavior for him would have been what exactly? If he ignored me, would I have been okay with that? Clearly I wasn't quite sure what I expected of a boyfriend. I wanted a boyfriend who liked me, but didn't like me TOO much.
Oh man... "Elephant Shoe" and "I Want to Vacuum" really take me back to the good ol' days. Do you guys remember those things? Do you remember any others or were those the only ones? "Olive Juice" had the same effect as "Elephant Shoe"... but that's all I've got.
--- “1-9-97. Dear Yraid, Hi! Today was good, I guess. Why do I even like Richard?? He’s not popular (he sits with Michael at lunch) & he’s really dumb. How can I like him? Jaime thinks I should go out with him no matter how popular he is. Jaime thinks that Doug & Mark like me. She doesn’t think Doug likes her! She also pointed out that all the geeks like me! Uggh! Is she right? She also thinks that Mike likes me. She things that everyone likes me. I walked with Doug to lunch today. Again Jaime & Lianna walked in front of us. Now that’s what I call friends, huh? Doug & I are like brother & sister. We tease, we annoy, we argue, but we’re still connected & deep down (way down) there’s somewhere a feeling of love and trust. Also at lunch Travis called me from his table. He said something about my hair (I had it in a whole bunch of braids before lunch). His whole table (including Jim, Ray, & Steve) were smiling at me. Ray has never smiled at me since 5th grade. It was nice to see an old familiar face again. Ray’s somewhat cute, but not quite. I mean, I’d really like him if I knew him better. In the halls Richard always smiles at me! Cheese Luweez! That’s what my problem was when we were going out. During school I saw too much of him, he’d always say hi! Ugh. Jaime asked Richard if he’s going to the dance. He doesn’t know yet. Hopefully he is! Jaime & Lianna are sleeping over on the night of the dance. I’m gonna call Doug tomorrow. Have you ever noticed that when I talk about Doug it’s usually poetic? Strange. Sabrina. RKS. I need a new diary soon!! Mouth “Elephant Shoe” it looks like you’re saying I love you. Mouth “I want to vacuum” it looks like you’re saying I want to F_C_ you. Fill in the blanks.”
   Oooh suspicious! Doug (the "dog") might be cheating on Jaime? Or rather, might like another girl? Really, was this that big of a deal back in a time where most relationships only lasted a couple weeks and most people knew the next person they'd date before they broke up with their current sig other?
Let's get down to what this was really about. I'd say about 20% of me really cared about Doug's interests for my best friend Jaime's sake. I'm willing to bet that, whether I would have admitted it or not at the time, 80% of my concern was really based in how Doug's actions affected me. It's not fair to Jaime that Doug sent Teri a Candy Gram and wanted to buy her a Christmas present. But it wasn't fair to ME that Doug claimed that both Teri and I were his friends... and I didn't get any gifts or special treatment like Teri did!
I was probably just being overly sensitive...
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“12-27-96. Dear Yraid, Hello. Whenever I listen to “I’m Everything I Am Because You Loved Me” I cry. I don’t really think of one spisiphic person, I just think of how I don’t have anyone. It’s just an empty hole. A deep, sad, lonely hole. I wish I could fill it. I really want someone to love, someone to be there for me. Jaime says not to worry. I guess she’s right. There are lots of fish in the sea. I don’t cry when I hear “Unbreak My Heart” because that’s not really sad for me. My heart isn’t really broken by anyone- currently. Actually, the song should go “I’m Everything I Am Because Someone Loved Me”. Lianna likes Steve. She’s asking him out. I think he’ll say yes. Great! Then I’ll be surrounded by couples & I’ll have even more of a reason to be depressed! Oh well! I should move on my life! Geez! Doug is being a poopy fart head. He’s not being very loyal to Jaime. I think there’s something fishy going on between him & Teri. They sent each other Candy Grams. Doug’s to Teri said, “You SUK” and Teri’s to Doug said “Merry Christmas! Kiss Jaime soon!” Nothing weird there. But at school he hangs out with Teri an awful lot. Then Jaime said that she was talking to Doug on the phone & he said, “I need to get Teri a Christmas present still.” How rude! He told Jaime that! His own girlfriend! How insensitive! Doesn’t he know that girls have feelings? Ones that can be easily hurt? DUMB! He’ll probably claim they’re just friends. Oh? Well he says that we’re friends but I didn’t get a Candy Gram from him, I didn’t get a present. Plus, if he is just getting her a present as a friend, then why isn’t he getting his ‘guy’ friends presents? He’s rude, insensitive, & well stupid. Did I say a dog? Well, I meant to. – Krista the lonely P.S. I took a test in a magazine. It resulted that I am Overly Sensitive. I can’t help it! It’s not my fault! My feelings are just easily hurt! Jeez!”
 
Figures. I got a boyfriend who was cute and funny and instead of being happy, I found reasons not to like him. So I was probably his first girlfriend... so what? That cracks me up. I acted like my two week relationship with Craig was legitimate dating experience. I had experience, Richard did not.
Popularity was huge in middle school even though I don't think any of us could have actually defined "popular" or explained how people became popular. Looking back on it, I guess a lot of them played sports and/or had older siblings. Older siblings could teach them about clothes and makeup and flirting and dating and kissing... things I knew nothing about. Also, I guess the popular kids had no other defining traits except the two I already mentioned. They weren't especially into music or theater or video games or school in general. And since they couldn't be classified into any other group, I guess that left them as "popular".
So even though I certainly wasn't popular, I still judged Richard's popularity. Which is weird because I don't remember judging Craig's... and he wasn't terribly popular either. But I'm glad that even though Richard wasn't popular, I still dated him and saw him for all his good qualities and hoped that everyone would see him the way I did too. For all I know, he was thinking the same thing about me.---
“12-16-96. Dear Yraid, Finally a school day! Every time Richard & I saw each other, we said hi & smiled. At the end of the day, he asked me if I wanted him to sit w/ me at lunch tomorrow. I said sure. I thought of dumping him. I’m not as comfortable around him as I wuz around Craig. I’m pretty sure I’m his 1st girlfriend. But that could be good cuz he’ll remember me forever. A lot of people are making fun of me. That’s why I don’t want many people to know. I’m kinda embarrassed. Hopefully it’ll turn out good & everyone will start to respect him more. He’s not very popular. But he’s cute & funny so I don’t see why not. Well I’ve gotta go! -Krista P.S. Jaime said Doug told Richard to call me tonite & Doug gave him my #. Richard never called me! Craig & I are really good friends now! I heart Richard! I guess. I almost need a new diary!”
Here's the story of how Richard became my second boyfriend...   I was such a hypocrite. I was worried that my boyfriend was only going out with me because he was desperate. And yet, in previous diary entries, I said multiple times about multiple boys, "I guess I'll go out with him if he wants to go out with me." I was pretty much the queen of desperate even though there's no way I would have admitted it at the time. Actually, I probably didn't believe that I was desperate since I did have some standards-- there was a good 10-15% of boys at the school who I wouldn't date.
I was so sad that I wouldn't see Richard until Monday, but get this, we lived in the same neighborhood. His house was only about a half mile away from mine. Although, in my former self's defense, no one wants to walk half a mile in Erie during December when there's guaranteed to be at least a foot of snow on the ground!
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“12-14-96. Dear Yraid, Here’s how it all happened- I told Jaime that she could ask him if he’d go out with me if she wanted to. So she did on the bus & he said ‘probably’. Then Doug asked him on the bus & he said ‘yes’. Doug told Jaime & Meghan & they called me to tell me when they got home from school. At first I didn’t believe them, but then I was convinced! I was so happy. Then when I went over to Jaime’s around 5:30 I called him. All we did is say hi & then complete silence. So I said that I had to go & we hung up. I got so depressed because he didn’t talk to me. Then from where Jaime & I were babysitting Jaime called Richard. She told him how I thought he didn’t like me. Jaime said that he said that he does like me & he’s sorry, he just didn’t know what to say. So then I was kinda happy. But then I started to think that maybe he’s just desperate & he’d go out with anyone. Then I was sad. My life is so confused right now. Maybe he’s just phone shy. I hope he likes me. I’m not calling him again unless he tells me to. I hope Monday will be good. Too bad I can’t see him till then. But think, at least I’m over Craig. I heart RICHARD! -Krista”
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I'm seriously having a problem understanding the adolescent mind. You'd think after reading all these diary entries, I'd be better able to appreciate the emotions and predict the actions. Nope. Apparently when it comes to girls in early adolescence, there is no understanding... there is no predicting.
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