   I'm seriously having a problem understanding the adolescent mind. You'd think after reading all these diary entries, I'd be better able to appreciate the emotions and predict the actions. Nope. Apparently when it comes to girls in early adolescence, there is no understanding... there is no predicting.
Wasn't I JUST in love with Richard? Just a week earlier I was saying how cute and sweet he was. Clearly ripping him to pieces as I did in the past couple diary entries was some sort of weird defense mechanism. Not sure what I was defending myself against... but I know I didn't really feel that way.
Other things to address:
1. "Un-Rogaine"... Richard's thick hair became the object of my aggression. Why???
2. "Crimeny!"... Where the heck did this word come from? Or rather, where did it go? I haven't heard it in ages. TO THE GOOGLE! First off, I guess it's more commonly spelled "criminy". Weird. I don't like the way that looks. Secondly, YES! I love when researching old diary entries leads me to uncover other relics of the time! Turns out "criminy" was often said by Helga on the Nickelodeon cartoon Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold first aired in October of 1996, so that is without a doubt where I picked it up. Mystery solved.
3. "Your Mom"... What a great all-purpose insult this was for awhile there. I still hear it jokingly from time to time but man was it rampant in middle school. Yo Momma jokes were HILARIOUS back then. Most of the ones we used to laugh at are super-lame ("Your momma's so fat when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house"), but if you haven't heard Yo Momma jokes in a long time, I encourage you to google it because there are a ton of smart and funny ones I had never heard. Yes, lots are still lame... but I was happy to come across these...
Harry Potter:
"Your mama's so fat, the Sorting Hat sorted her into the House of Pancakes."
Nerdy:
"Select * FROM Table.YoMamma
........................................
........................................
........................................
Server Timed Out"
Literature (from Act I Scene 1 of Timon of Athens):
Painter: "Y'are a dog."
Apemantus: "Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"
I bet you didn't know Shakespeare "invented" the Yo Momma joke!---
“3-4-97. Dear Diary, I did dump Richard! I’m so happy! I feel so free. I feel like a new person! I love it! Ahh! Richard still likes me, a lot. He wrote me a note saying that we can still be friends & he’s not mad at me. At the bottom of the note, it said- I love you. I feel so bad. But I don’t care, I’m NOT asking him back out- EVER! Ugh! He is so ugly. Like I’ve said before- he needs un-Rogaine. I wonder who I’ll like next. Hmm. Jaime & Kara say that Rob & I should go out. You think? Nah. It would never happen. In SWEP, the strangest thing happened. I was talking to Doug. Suddenly he stepped forward so we were almost touching. He was looking down at me & I was looking up at him. My God! It looked like he was about to kiss me! Crimeny! You don’t know how close we were! I’ve never stood by him that close face to face. Anyhow, we stood there for awhile just looking at each other & then I said, “I could beat you up!” He said, “Ya sure, your Mom.” And then we both walked off in different directions. Do you think I’ll like Doug again? I don’t know. Mom thinks he’s cute. I didn’t ask her- she told me. I think Doug & I would be better of as just friends. But hey, you never know! -Krista”
  "I want my freedom"... from what?? We never saw each other outside of school, we never talked on the phone, we didn't even sit together at lunch. We exchanged notes in the hallway and that's about it.
And my alternative was Rob, a boy who I would definitely make a really cute couple with, but who may not go out with me. Hell, he may not even LIKE me.
I'm really anxious to see how this is going to work out... haha.
---
"3-3-97. Dear Diary, I might dump Richard tomorrow. I'm not sure. At lunch & after I was really serious about it. I told like everyone I saw! Now I'm not quite sure if I should. I still like him but I don't want to go out with him anymore. I want my freedom & stuff. Should I OR shouldn't I? HELP. I think I've told too many people to not dump him. Ugh! HELP! Kara, Lianna, & Jaime all think that Rob & I would make a really good couple. Jaime said so even though she likes him! Agh! What to do, what to do? I'm starting to agree with them. Would he ever go out with me though? Krista"
    This diary entry is a prime example of middle school drama. Something as simple as cafeteria seating arrangements could end friendships. Well, temporarily at least. Even though I said Jaime was taking Lianna's place as best friend, in reality, Lianna and I are still friends today and my friendship with Jaime fell out in high school. So now, Lianna and I have been best friends for 22 years... almost three times the *long* 8 year friendship I mentioned at the time in the entry. Wow that makes me feel old. But I also feel so lucky to still have best friends that I've had since elementary school. We went through all the drama together and our friendships are so much stronger for it!
Not sure how I jumped to the conclusion that people didn't like me because I had a boyfriend. Well, I guess I do kind of remember what that felt like. I felt kind of isolated because I had less in common with my friends. It was like, when I didn't have a boyfriend, I felt like I was the only one in the school without a boyfriend... and then once I got a boyfriend, I realized that actually, none of my friends had boyfriends. Which meant, no one to talk to about boyfriend stuff... and if anyone were to actually bring it up, they'd be annoying and all "ooooh how's your BOYFRIEND??? hehehehe" about it.
Of course that electronic dictionary that Richard used for romantic purposes is the same one that got me the infamous Saturday detention.
---
“2-26-97. Hi Diary, It’s 7:03am. I have to leave soon. Personally I don’t like sitting with Kara, Jessie, Mike, etc. at lunch. Because they’re creeps. Mom wants me to sit with Christina & them. Tell you the rest when I get home. Gotta go. Sorry! -Sabi I’m back. Okay. Lianna started sitting with them about every other day a week ago. Monday, they had enough room at their table so me, Jaime, & Lianna could all sit there. Tuesday (Lianna’s day to sit with us) she sat with them. She said, ‘Ya, maybe you guys (me & Jaime) can sit with us tomorrow.’ First of all, when did she become one of ‘them’? Second of all, why is she so conceited? Geez, I hope she doesn’t read this! If she is reading this, then Lianna, I’m sorry for saying all this mean stuff but it’s the way I feel. Sorry! I think that is really rude of her. I mean, being my BEST friend for 8 years & then just dropping me like a hot potato. I want to be good friends with Christina, Meghan, Kristin, Leah, Michelle, Diana, & Amy but I don’t think they like me. Maybe it’s because I have a boyfriend. Well, hello? Having a boyfriend isn’t going to change my personality! Geez! I feel like it’s Lianna’s fault for ignoring me so suddenly & being so rude. But then I also think that they’re in the wrong. They’re stealing my friend, my BEST friend. Well, to bad, see if I care! From now on, I declare, Jaime is my BEST friend. Go ahead Lianna, leave me with the creeps. Don’t care about me. All she cares about is herself. SHE IS SO CONCEITED! O-kay. Today in Language Arts, Mrs. Decker has this electronic dictionary thing. Well, you can make it say stuff. Anyhow, Richard was using it. He said, “listen to this” and put the speaker part up to my ear. He made it say, ‘I love you!’ How sweet! Awhh! I read 2 notes that he put in my file server. They say like I LOVE YOU all over them. I think he’s getting annoying again. I almost want to dump him! I want to be a free woman! HELP! -Krista”
  
There are a couple ways one may interpret this situation:
1. The Mature and Rational Way - Giving Kara the Benefit of the Doubt
Kara used to date Mike. Even though Kara doesn't like Mike anymore, she is driven to tears after finding out that a good friend (Jaime) betrayed her and asked out her ex-boyfriend. Jaime should have known he was off-limits. 2. The Immature Middle School Way - What Really Happened
Kara used to date Mike. But Kara doesn't like Mike anymore, or so she says. Jaime and Mike are going out. But Jaime also likes Mark and Richard, so what's the point? Everyone likes everyone but somehow no one ever gets what they want. Everyone cries. Welcome to Middle School.
Also, before I go, I'd like to explore the etymology of "butt munch". Google, don't let me down now.
Unfortunately, I didn't come back with much. I'm sure most of us can already trace our first memory of "butt munch" back to Beavis and Butthead. Aaaand that's about as far as I got. But I did find this interesting interview with Mike Judge (the Creator of B&B) in which Judge discusses MTV's censorship of the show:
"For example butt-munch -- which they say a lot: originally in junior high people used to call each other ass-munch. So we put ass-munch in a script but the MTV standards department said no. We changed it to butt-munch and said that for about a year. Then I forgot they said no to ass-munch and I put it in there. By then they were so used to butt-munch that they didn't even notice ass-munch." Probably the most comprehensive definition I found is courtesy of ChaCha:
A butt munch (noun) is defined as 1. An annoying person that you would like to shut up. 2. A bothersome sibling. 3. A friend who is being a jackass. It is also a stupid or idiotic person, or a person that munches on a butt. A person. That munches. On a butt. Somehow in the past 14 years I never spent enough time thinking about "butt munch" to realize the literal, obvious meaning of the phrase. I love you, Internet.
---
“2-3-97. Dear Diary, Today Richard gave me a note (like usual). Highlights: He wrote: I’ve been thinking of you a lot! At the end of his dream we were going back out. He wrote on the note: I love you! Luv ya! And XXX OOO. His friend Pete wrote on it: Richard loves Krista. That is really weird because the note I wrote him I wrote these things: I’m just thinking about you, I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I told him that Joanne told me about his dream. I wrote, ‘Luv ya’ on it. Those things are practically the same! Joanne told told me that Anthony likes me! She told me that Anthony is always saying, ‘I have to call Krista! I have to call Kasey! I have to talk to Krista! I have to talk to Kasey!’ Joanne told me he’s obsessing over us! If I wasn’t going out with Richard, I’d probably want to go out with Anthony. Jaime might dump Mike. Because Kara’s mad at her. Kara wasn’t mad at Jaime for going out with Mike until she found out that she asked him out. Kara even said she doesn’t like Mike. But apparently she does. Kara said she was crying in chorus. Like we give a damn! We don’t care about her butt munching hell of a life! She is such a bitch! She is such a freaking liar! I really hate her! I don’t know what Jaime should do. Actually I think she should ignore stupid Kara & go on with her life. She should tell Kara that no matter how long Kara cries & no matter how long she complains she won’t dump Mike. She should just blow Kara off. Who cares about her? Jaime told me that she kinda likes Mark again. She said that she kinda likes Richard too! -Krista”
 Before I start, there's probably two things you're wondering about. First of all, I used to write the names of all the guys I liked in the back of my diary... so that's what I meant when I said I didn't like Richard "enough to write his name in the back". Secondly, I guess I went through a phase when I called myself "Batman". Yes, I had moved on from Supergirl to Batman. I don't understand or remember why.
Okay, now that that's out of the way...
I'll leave Craig something in my will??? Where did that come from? What does that even mean? I like him, I want him back... so I'll leave him something in my will. That will SURELY win him over... once I'm dead. WTF?
And then Mike and Kara started dating and I gave up on Mike just like that. I guess I must not have liked him that much after all. Well, clearly, considering my only basis for liking him was that he was nice to me at the dance.
I first met Richard in 4th grade when my math teacher introduced him to the class. As the new kid, he was a big deal because he had just moved from Australia which meant two things:
- Since Australia's seasons are opposite ours, he was on summer break from school back in Australia but when he moved here, had to start up classes right away, cutting his vacation short. Bummer.
- He had a cool accent. Which was super rare in our town. That is, unless you count the kid in 7th grade that my friend Jaime said had a cute accent, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that really, he just had a speech impediment and couldn't say his r's.
Anyhow, when Richard was introduced to us in 4th grade, show-and-tell-style, my friend Stephanie whispered to me, "Ohmygosh, his accent is soooo sexy." I was like, "Um, yeah. It sure is!" Yeah right, I was 10 years old, I didn't know what the hell "sexy" was. Nothing was "sexy" to me. I couldn't have described "sexy" at that age if you would have asked me to. But I just played along because I figured if she used that word, she must have known what she was talking about.
Three years later, even though Richard's Australian accent was long gone, I was starting to see the attraction. I still wouldn't have used the word "sexy", but instead "slightly cute and funny".
---
“11-27-96 Dear Yraid, The day after I wrote this entry I couldn’t ask Mike out. Why? Because he asked Kara out. They’ve been going out since then. I don’t like Mike anymore. I still love Craig. I want him back. I need him back. I’ll leave him something in my will. Okay? Anyhow, I want to ask him out again but I don’t want to beg. We’ve been pretty good friends since the breakup. I HEART CRAIG! I kinda like Richard. He’s slightly cute & he’s funny. I don’t like him enough to write his name in the back. He might be too weird for me though. I noticed today that his first and last initials are the same as Riders! Maybe we’re destined for each other! -Batman”
   Last time, my life was "so confused" and now it's "so deformed." Haha what interesting words to describe LIFE.
So let's get this straight:- Even though Mike is really immature and dating him could hurt my 'rep', now I like him... mostly because he offered to dance with me when I cried over Craig.
- But Kara likes Mike too... and he danced with her to stop her from crying too.
- AND Mike is currently going out with Rachel but is breaking up with her soon.
Where the hell was Rachel during all of this???
Poor Ryan. He liked me so much and I was so mean to him. I was far meaner to him than Doug or any of my other crushes were to me. It probably took him half the dance just to get the courage to ask me and then when he did, I always turned him down. One time when he nervously asked me to dance, I ran away, arms flailing, claiming I was a lesbian. Back then, homosexuality was a new and mostly foreign concept to me... "No! I'm a lesbian!" was about as reasonable of an excuse as "No! I'm a Jehovah's Witness!" or "No! I have Restless Leg Syndrome!" (meaning I could somehow tie my minimal knowledge on any of these things to a reason why I couldn't dance with a guy).
I wonder if I ever wrote him that note. I wonder if he ever knew how bad I felt afterward or how guilty I still feel to this day. I'm glad I'm not as big of a bitch anymore. At least I don't think I am?
Of course, I can't end this entry without calling attention to my "really depressful weekend" comment. Haha.
---
“11-23-96 Dear Yraid, My birthday party wuz fun but I’ll tell you about that later. DANCE. Worst dance in history! I cried over Craig when ‘I Swear’ came on. Then Mike asked me what was wrong. I said nothing but then he wanted to dance with me (so I’d feel better) before I could say yes, the song was over. Then Kara was crying. Kara likes Mike & Mike danced with her so she wouldn’t cry. Mike was hanging around me for the rest of the dance. He was showing off for me! Does he like me? Well, at that moment, I realized I like Mike. He’s dumping Rachel. I want to go out with Mike! I really like him! Most people think he’s really immature & sometimes he can be. But I found at the dance the other side of Mike. The sweet, considerate side. He’s totally different when he’s not around Jessie. See, if I go out with him, a lot of people will think I’m stupid. Kara will be mad at me & Rachel might be mad at me. I really like him but will it hurt my rep? I know he’s not bad, but most people think he’s a jerk. I’d be much better off with Craig, Ray (if I liked him), or even Doug (if I liked him). I still like Craig a little though. My life is so deformed. It’s a puzzle, just the pieces are scattered. Most of them shaped like a broken heart, my broken heart. I need some reason, sense, I need to be led down the right path. God can you help me? I’m just really confused & I believe this is going to be a really depressful weekend. Something that also ruined the dance was Ryan asked me to dance. I refused. I must have made him feel like shit. I’m crying! I never meant for this to happen! I promise that I will dance with him at the next dance. I have to write him an apology letter. I’m going to. –Krista I HEART MIKE & CRAIG!”
So I hate to half-ass this entry, but I'm just gonna be honest-- "NYC Prep" is on right now and I'm trying to watch that, write this, and get to bed no later than 10:30. And unfortunately, I'm too stubborn to budge on any of those. Have you watched this show "NYC Prep"? It's more teenage drama than my diary entries. I love it and am totally addicted to it.
Oh yeah, back to this entry...   That's probably the longest play-by-play possible just to communicate that Craig and I slow-danced. But I guess the fact that 5,000 people had to ask him to dance with me was a valid detail because it showed his original hesitation. And I guess the fact that he didn't want to dance to "Head Over Feet" is a valid detail because it shows that he actually wanted to dance to a slow song... not just half-ass it and get it over with (like I'm doing to this entry). On the other hand, the "meeting under the basketball hoop" and "shortest girl" details were pretty irrelevant.
If you know me, you know I love cheese. I have always loved cheese. My nana tells stories about me as a little girl begging "cheese please!". In elementary school, my dad used to cut shapes out of cheese and arrange them into a picture on a plate for me as a bedtime snack. In high school, all of my friends brought various cheeses into school on my birthday. For my Senior Prom in high school, I ate an 8oz block of cheddar cheese every night for a week before the dance to try to gain weight to help fill out my strapless dress (it didn't work). Before leaving for college, my dad gave me a really nice wooden cheese board/slicer. In college, my friends saved me an entire cheese tray that was leftover from one of the campus events. Just last night for dinner, I made a grilled cheese sandwich... with four types of cheese.
And apparently in middle school, my crush Craig and I discussed cheese cutters while slow dancing. I am not surprised.
  If I had a nickel for every time I promised I would never like Doug again... Honestly, it's kind of ridiculous.
Anyhow, I feel so bad for my poor misguided preteen self. I basically said that I would have rather been stupid and attractive than smart and ugly. Aw. Sad. That's middle school for you. Middle school was the first time popularity became an issue. All I wanted was to be pretty, funny, popular, and to have boys like me. The last thing I wanted to be was a nerd.
Apparently in high school I said "F all that" and gave up on the whole popularity thing. However, I don't remember whether my participation in Drama Club, National Honor Society, and Key Club in high school was responsible for sabotaging my popularity pursuit or whether I gave up on popularity first and then joined those activities. I think it was probably the latter because I don't really remember anyone caring about popularity in high school. Probably mainly because I went to a big high school and everyone kind of did their own thing.
But the "new" issue of popularity in middle school caused those years to be especially interesting and full of drama. It sure as hell sucked at the time, but you gotta love looking back at it now for its entertainment value!
   I don't like anyone... Rob and I are just friends... but if Rob asked me out, I'd say yes. Hm. Something doesn't add up. I see right through you 11-year-old me.
That's cute how you say you don't think people should be boyfriend and girlfriend until 8th grade... right after admitting you're jealous of Rachel and Doug for dating. That's funny how you hide behind your false sense of maturity, thinking you're so much wiser than all the couples who are dating but aren't truly "in love". If it's so easy to get a boyfriend (all the guys just think "why not?"), why are YOU single 11YOMe (11-year-old me)?
Actually, it's kind of sweet how innocent and optimistic you are, new middle-schooler. How confidently you're able to convince yourself that you're the one who is normal and everyone else is wrong. So you may make contradicting statements, 11YOMe, but it works for you... for now.
I hate to ruin the surprise, but the next three years are going to be filled with more rejection, heartache, and drama than you've ever experienced in your 11 years. And you will leave middle school jaded in regard to love and friendships.
So keep reassuring yourself as long as possible 11YOMe, because at some point, you'll start to doubt.
---
P.S. Also note the *list* of people going out. Lists are like crack to me.
  Oh yes, the infamous temper tantrum over Clue. I believe this happened shortly after we were all in a good mood, laughing at my sister for making an accusation involving the "leed" (lead) pipe. And I think, that night, we were playing the game on my bedroom floor...
Not sure why, but I used to love hosting events in my room as a kid. Like the one time I insisted we have St. Patrick's Day dinner at a card table set up in my bedroom because my walls were painted green and it was festive. Never mind the fact that we're not Irish at all and we never had before and never would again celebrate St. Patty's Day as a family. I doubt we even ate anything remotely Irish that night. As a good hostess though, I did provide dinner music... in the form of the New Kids on the Block Christmas cassette. Maybe that's why there was never a second annual St. Patrick's Day dinner in my bedroom...
But I suppose that may also explain why losing a game on my turf angered me so much that I chucked the Clue board across the room, sending cards and miniature weapons flying, and stormed out of my own bedroom. I was so outraged over the fact that my own mother would dare to beat me at my game in my bedroom. In my room, I expected to have the privilege to win all the games... just as I had the power to force four other people to listen to the completely irrelevant and awful dinner music I personally wanted to hear. So, sorry Mom... for both offenses.
In retrospect, I'm really surprised how upset I was about this. I'm especially shocked that I claimed to hate my dad just because he says everything is "slick". He still uses "slick" to this day and I actually like it... because, honestly, my dad is the only person I know who uses that word... and so it will always remind me of him. But when I think of it now, it's with fondness... not anger! I think I was just looking for an excuse to be mad. Apparently, life sucked.
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I'm seriously having a problem understanding the adolescent mind. You'd think after reading all these diary entries, I'd be better able to appreciate the emotions and predict the actions. Nope. Apparently when it comes to girls in early adolescence, there is no understanding... there is no predicting.
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