Saturday Detention

Okay, so I promised I’d tell the dramatic (and really embarrassing) story of my Saturday detention.

Here we go!

In 7th grade English class, the teacher had one of those fancy electronic dictionary things where you could type in a word and it'd show the definition. As an added bonus, it would even say the word out loud so that you could hear the pronunciation-- which, in it’s stupid robotic voice, was probably only correct like 80% of the time.

Anyhow, one day, I was using the electronic dictionary and Mrs. Decker left the room. Not long after she left, I found a function on the dictionary that could pronounce whole sentences-- any string of words you typed in. And what does (almost) any 13-year-old do when given this power? Right. She starts typing inappropriate words and phrases.

So I was having the dictionary say things and kids from the class started gathering around me to hear. People were cracking up and I felt like the funniest comedian on Earth. I don’t remember the majority of what I typed… but one phrase sticks in my mind to this day because of how ridiculous it was. Sometime in elementary school, I learned the phrase "you suck" and then later in middle school, I found out that the phrase had some sort of sexual connotation, but I wasn't sure what. I typed into the dictionary “Maria sucks”… and then took it one step further and finished the sentence obscenely as “Maria sucks Pat.” Totally inappropriate. But I barely knew what I was saying at the time. Regardless, it got quite a reaction from my classmates when I hit *play*. I thought I was the shit.

I continued my talking-dictionary stand-up routine until all of a sudden, Mrs. Decker came back in the classroom. She saw all the students standing around my desk and knew something was up. She snatched the device from me, took it to the front of the room, and hit the button which played the last thing previously typed.

As Mrs. Decker held the dictionary in her hands… it said in it‘s dumb electronic voice…

DECKER IS GAY.

Ohhhhhh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap. Nonononono.

She walked me down to the principal’s office so fast I could barely process what was happening. Once we got there, the principal phoned my mom immediately (oh crap times 5 billion) and called some of the other students from our English class down to her office to hear their side of the story because I think at this point I was still denying it.

One of the classmates interrogated was my best friend Meghan. She stood against the wall in the office, scared shitless, as the principal grilled her. Meghan, bless her heart, didn’t want to incriminate me and tried to dodge the questions, but I could tell she felt so conflicted… she didn‘t want to get me in trouble, but she didn’t want to lie. She thought I would get mad at her for telling the truth. Meghan started tearing up. How could I see my best friend struggle like that? I let her off the hook and said, “Meghan, you can tell the truth.” She said, “Krista did it” and started crying. I’m not even sure I was crying. Poor Meghan.

And that was how I got a Saturday detention. And was required to write apology letters to everyone I offended.

I don’t remember how long my mom grounded me for but she definitely did not let me off easy. Instead of letting me do homework or crossword puzzles or read a book in Saturday detention, she made me memorize maps of Europe and Asia. Maybe even South America and Africa… I forget.

I typically wasn’t a bully or a bad kid… so I really felt like a failure for screwing up so royally and disappointing my family, teachers, and friends.

In detention, I took a break from memorizing maps and wrote this poem “to” my mom…


---
I’m not, I can’t

I’m not everything you wish I was
I’m not the perfect person
You might think memorizing is what it takes
But I have learned my lesson

I can’t do everything you wish I could,
I get up just again to fall
You really do have faith in me
But I’m not smart at all

I can’t be who you wish I was,
I’m really sorry, don’t you see?
I wish I was who you want
But you are stuck with me